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High School
Turn high schooler’s desire for a job into a lesson in real life
September 14, 2010 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: My son has worked all summer and has done an excellent job. He hasn't missed a day. He has enjoyed earning his own spending money. He now wants to work during the school year and has offered to help pay for his car insurance. We're so proud of the responsibility he has shown and helping with the car was his idea. We're afraid schoolwork might hurt if he works, but we're afraid of interfering with the responsibility and pride he is developing by working. To let him work or not to work - we can't make up our minds. Cindy S., Bloomington, MO |
Dear Cindy: Your son believes he can perform his primary job - the demanding task of being a student – and still be responsible enough to work for a paycheck. That's quite an accomplishment and you should be proud.
The Assessment: Though this arrangement looks good on paper and is developing responsibility, you and your family need to stop for a moment and consider what message your child is getting about the world of work. As adults we must bring home a paycheck to cover basic living expenses first and if anything is left, then we can consider frills or pleasure items. Since parents already cover their basic living expenses, teenagers who work often get the message backward. They learn that the paycheck is for pleasure first, simply disposable income and entertainment dollars, and to “help out” with what's left over, like for his car insurance.
Is it any wonder that, as these children grow older, they remain tied to their parents’ checkbooks? In many families, the child's paycheck goes toward a new stereo or vacation with friends as long as parents are there to help out with the rent or credit card payments. I believe parents must emphasize the traditional work ethic of being responsible and self-supporting, and not the notion that work is only to pay for pleasure. If this is not instilled early on, these children may get themselves into debt or other financial strife for lack of understanding the financial order of operations.
What To Do: Work is an excellent opportunity to teach children about real life.
The first step is for your child to take a long look at the family expenses and all the basic necessities you pay for him - mortgage payments, insurance, telephone bills, utility bills, groceries, laundry, car, car maintenance, etc. Once your child is fully aware of what his life costs are, he should let you know how much he will contribute toward these expenses.
No matter what your economic situation, your child should be encouraged to contribute something – even if it is only a few dollars- to cover basic living expenses first before leaping to the pleasure purchases.
Since your son has only worked during the summer, he needs to be prepared to demonstrate how he will balance schoolwork and his paying job. Have him set up a system to keep track of every grade in every subject and average the grades weekly, also keeping a cumulative average for each grading period. Along with this weekly grades summary, have your child record how many hours he works each week at his after-school job.
As a condition for keeping his outside job, have your son show you his grades at the end of each week so you can monitor his school “paycheck.” By keeping the averages up-to-date, you will be able to see - before report cards come out - if your son's grades start slipping.
Your son needs to be prepared to have a plan of action to make sure his primary job of being a student doesn't become secondary to working for pleasure.
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Trust imperative for a child to grow up
June 15, 2010 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: My
13-year-old daughter is out of school for the
summer and after a week, I’m worried about the
remainder of her summer break. I work and cannot
take vacation now. At her age, there isn’t much
for children to do unsupervised. Camps want this
age child to work and not play but I want her to
have a break from school and not start working so
I’m not going to send her to camp and I’m not
going to let her baby-sit.
I’ve looked only to come up with an occasional activity but nothing constant. And because I am a single parent with no family here to help me, I have no choice but to let her stay home alone, yet I’m afraid of everything I hear in the news. How do I keep my child a good child when there is no one to look after her? Chase J., Memphis, TN |
Dear Chase: Parents today are being steadily pulled and pushed toward parenting with fear. Fear for our child’s safety and wellbeing is a strong pull.
The Assessment: We constantly hear about the failures of other families with their children in a number of areas. Here are just a few of those failures you and other parents are all too familiar with: Teen pregnancy, smoking cigarettes, drinking, drugs, gang activity, bullying and school failure.
It is natural as a parent to want to protect our children from these threats to their future. In addition, we are pushed by the fear of warning signs to watch for in our children’s behavior:
• Is your child moody or unhappy?
• Does he or she avoid you?
• Are your child’s grades slipping?
Implicit in this type of checklist is the fear that unless we act now, our children may some day be added to the list of failures. Of course, society has given us some good reasons to be cautious, if not outright fearful.
Children today have an early exposure to knowledge of things and activities from the adult realm and this forces us to be watchful. But in doing so, we risk falling into the trap of parenting with fear rather than parenting with trust.
Parenting with fear means holding on to past methods rather than transitioning to new ways as the child transitions to increased independence with responsible actions. Parenting with trust – not blind trust – means that we must exhibit and teach mutual trust and responsibility. This gives our children the chance to make decisions without being under our watchful eye.
Having to leave a child at home alone does create a feeling of sadness when we have spent so many years watching and knowing all that the child does. But as the child enters “middle-aged” childhood, we must also move into a middle stage of parenting, not holding on quite as much and yet not letting go completely.
What To Do: There are very few states in the U.S. with legal minimum ages for children home alone, but many state agencies have published guidelines. Georgia, Illinois, Maryland and Oregon are a few of the states with specific ages specified in their laws. Twelve years of age appears to be the most common recommendation.
Malinda, you can begin by visiting your state’s Department of Human Services website for any state mandated ages or guidelines it may have on leaving children home alone. (http://www.tn.gov/humanserv/)
Latchkey Kids is another good reference site for this type of information.
(http://www.latchkey-kids.com/latchkey-kids-age-limits.htm) This site also provides a state-by-state comparison with references. As you will see from this site, Tennessee has only a guideline – age 10 – for how young a child can be to stay home alone. The Tennessee Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges (http://www.tennessee.gov/tcjfcj/faq.html) states the following: “There is no legal age for children to stay at home alone. Parents are advised to use their best judgment, keeping the child’s maturity level and safety issues in mind. Younger children have a greater need for supervision and care than older children. Obviously, young children under age 10 should not be left without supervision at any time. In most cases, older teenage children may be left alone for short periods of time.”
Once you are sure you are within legal guidelines, you are now ready to parent with trust.
Sit with your child and together make a list of all the things you fear would produce pain in her life. Then let her know that rather than fear these and treat her with mistrust, together you will make sure she learns the rules that develop trust.
Make a list of the characteristics you will focus on in this first summer of learning about independence with responsibility. Also let her know that these will be the same skills that may help her avoid future pain.
Some of the characteristics could be honesty, trust, perseverance and constancy. Talk about these terms and find examples from the past when she has demonstrated these qualities under your supervision. Help her see that she has already been successful.
Then help her set up explicit tasks that she will carry out to demonstrate that she is capable of continuing her success without your watchful eye. For example:
• Honesty: I will only go someplace with permission.
• Trust: When I ask permission to do something, I will present both the pros and cons of the situation and my reasoning. I will trust that my parent will make a sound decision, and will help me understand the reason.
• Perseverance: I will finish all chores in spite of how hard they seem or how tired I feel or how much I don’t want to do them.
• Constancy: I’ll do all of these and not have to fear surprises.
In the evening when you come home from work, reinforce your child’s successes by using these words in your conversation with her. For example, you can say, “You finished vacuuming the house. That’s perseverance.”
Parenting with fear combined with parenting from a distance is not the type of guidance our children need. Parenting for trust puts you back where you’ve always been and where your child needs you - in charge!
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Seniors: Graduation NEVER ends; Parents shocked
May 25, 2010 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: Our son
the senior, has been dancing around the living
room for the last three weeks. Parties, lunches,
celebrations and such have started leading up to
the prom and graduation day.
He thinks this is his greatest hurdle and that life will be a piece of cake from now on. He also fancies himself an adult as he will turn 18 two weeks after graduation. His mother and I keep telling him that because he made good grades and a high ACT score that got him in a highly respectable college does not mean he can rest on those laurels. What advice would you give him and others graduating in a few weeks from high school? Marvin G., Atlanta, GA |
Dear Marvin: Graduation.
It’s a magic word this time of year, particularly for seniors and their parents. The magic comes from the expectation of proms, parties, celebrations, and caps and gowns. You’re seeing this already in your son. He is immersed in senioritis, the period of time when students want to fall back on their achievements and to merit new privileges.
Graduation is also a time of mixed feelings, a time when students look back and ask, “Is it over? Is this all there is? How did it go by so fast?”
The Assessment: The shock may be even greater for parents. We remember not just the last four years of school but the day we brought the baby home from the hospital, the horrible nights of colic, the birthdays, the scraped knees, the first date and so much more. Each set of experiences changed us, giving us depth, happiness, and renewed energy watching our children grow and develop physically, intellectually and emotionally.
And along the way, we also experienced sadness.
Rather than being a time of magic, high school graduation is really an artificial event. The graduations that really count – those events that change us and provide new beginnings – are the graduations of life. Some of these turning points are predictable such as, getting your first job, getting married and having children, yet many are not.
What your son is about to begin learning, Marvin, is that we all have a series of graduations in our lives, a time of closing out the past and going on to new challenges. Graduations in life have little to do with school and everything to do with personal growth and learning.
What To Do: For high school and especially for college graduation, give your child the gift of insight.
Think back to your own life and pinpoint your personal graduations – the times when your dreams became nightmares and when your fears brought success.
Find a way to capture these graduations of life, whether in writing, through illustrations, on audio recordings, or in a Graduation scrapbook with photos, clippings and mementos. You may even set up a new scrapbook or journal for your child to record the next series of events that will lead to the next graduation of life.
Getting a degree may lead to a party – what you did to get the degree says whether you truly expect graduation or not.
By sharing your personal history, your child can learn that hindsight gives us direction, vision gives us a road map, and that living through gains and pains gives us the learning that prepares us to go forward. Too many children give up on themselves because they have not measured up to school’s definition of success.
Help your child understand that graduation is not just an end – it’s much more a beginning with new opportunities for success.
The true yardstick is not an artificial graduation tied to a school calendar and a piece of framed paper, but real-life turning points that push us in new directions.
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Students: Don’t ruin college chances by picking wrong classes
May 11, 2010 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: Our son is in the eighth grade and the school year will be over in a few weeks. Today, he brought home a list of courses to choose from for his ninth grade year. He must register for the courses now so my wife and I have been looking over the options and discussing with him what he should take. He has picked what I think are too many tough courses and it seems like too much to me. I don’t want to dampen his spirit because he’s excited about starting high school and says he can do it. Should I just let him decide? David E., Blacksburg, VA |
Dear David: When children enter high school, they reach an educational turning point. For the first time, schools ask them to become collaborators in determining their future.
As collaborators, they must understand the privilege of selection and with that privilege goes the responsibility of thoughtful reasoning before decisions are made.
The Assessment: Selecting courses for high school is like charting a route on a map to arrive at a certain destination. In charting both road maps and academic maps, one concern is paramount: You must know where you are headed to avoid wasteful detours.
Setting goals to reach your destination is especially important for students entering high school. Unless they have a plan for the future, they cannot become true collaborators. Instead, they will continue to do as they are told, do as they see others do, or do as they please based on the amount of free time they want now or in their senior year of high school.
In order to draw a complete academic map, students must know why each course is a good choice for their destiny and how these courses need to be timed to reach their goals.
What To Do: David, you should help your son find his own academic path. This does not mean that as an eighth-grader, he must decide today what he plans to do with the rest of his life but he should have some idea of his destination. Once he starts on his path, he can always take different twists and turns, but he needs to stay turned toward his goal.
Here are some guidelines to use for helping him prepare realistic goals:
Make a plan: Have your son write his planned destination after high school. This could be college, vocational education or work. For example: “I will major in psychology in college,” or “I will go to vocational school to learn how to be an airplane mechanic.” Let your child know that changes to this plan are always okay. He may want to start with a general field of interest such as, “I like to work with computers,” and fine-tune his choice as he learns more about possible careers.
Research the destination: Have your child research his planned destination. If he plans to go to college, have him visit the library and check grade point averages and high school course requirements of at least three colleges that are viable choices for him. If a particular college is the destination, have him write for a catalog and general information on the college or go on its website and view and/or download this information. Or if he plans to go directly to work, have him call three places that hire high school graduates and ask for the company’s employment requirements. With this information, your child now has the parameters for making his decision because he has defined the possible destination.
Match high school courses to destination: Have your child review all course offerings at his high school. He should mark the courses required by his state for graduation and spread these out over his four years of high school.
Select electives carefully: Have your child mark additional courses he wants to take. These electives should be strategically selected and based on reasoned thinking. Your child may want to explore a subject he has not taken before but might enjoy. Some elective courses may support the child’s destination; others may not.
Avoid overload: Have your child list how he will distribute these courses during the four years of high school in a way that minimizes overload. Have him write the grade he must get in each course for each subject in order to end up with a grade point average that will open doors later in college, vocational school or in a job. Your child will then be able to weigh how much work he will need to put in each year of high school to meet or exceed grade goals.
Now your child is ready to collaborate with his teachers and guidance counselors to determine what he needs for the future. Any child that has not completed his own rigorous inquiry about state graduation requirements, elective courses and where he is headed in life will not develop mind wealth. This is also a child not ready to speak with a counselor about subject planning for his high school career.
Our nation has too many students that go to teachers, advisors or counselors for all the decision-making on classes. If they do this for four years of high school, it should be no surprise to parents they will do this in college and end up with a degree that leads to a dead-end street.
The first and most important step for your child to learn now is to take ownership of the present with a self-developed compass as to where he is going.
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Certain skills needed for taking the ACT test
March 30, 2010 12:00 PM
This is a
college entrance test, not an achievement
testRead
more...
Take a break from studying?
March 16, 2010 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: My son has had a very difficult year in school. He’s a ninth-grader with mid-term exams after spring break. Since these grades will be on his permanent record, I’ve told him to forget about a spring break vacation and instead, to use the week to get a head start on preparing for exams. He says he’s tired and wants to rest. How do I convince him to use this time so that he won’t be up all night cramming before his exams? It seems like such a waste if he doesn’t use this time to get ahead. What is your advice? Suzette S., Chicago, IL |
Dear Suzette: While your comments seem to make a compelling case that your son needs to use spring break to get a head start in preparing for his exams, this school “holiday” was instituted for a reason: Students (and teachers) need the break.
The Assessment: Just as adults look forward to an annual vacation from work, children anticipate spring break from school. While learning how to break from a routine is important, we need to learn how to break constructively so that when we come back to work or school, we are refreshed and not overwhelmed at the thought of having wasted the week when we could have been getting ahead.
Many adults prepare for a vacation by lugging along work-related reports, books or other materials and one of two things happen: They sacrifice vacation time for extra work and thus feel that they had no break or they return from a peaceful break feeling guilty that they didn’t get any work done.
In a slightly different fashion, two things happen with parents as spring break approaches. They want their child to have the break from school but they also have a desire that their child not fall behind in school (or in your case, Suzette, that your child get ahead on preparing for exams). This leads parents to try to turn a child’s spring break into an extra week of schoolwork.
Children, no matter what grade and age need a time to rest while parents need to be assured that spring break will not interrupt school progress. The solution is to negotiate a balanced plan for rest, study and commitment.
What To Do: Before spring break, have your child show you a calendar with exams and projects filled in for the rest of the school year. If he doesn’t know what will be coming up beyond spring break, have him meet with his teachers to determine how much new work will be covered in class and how much previous work will be covered on exams.
Once all the information is in place, have your child create a test preparation calendar that breaks down the general concept of “studying” into three specific actions:
• When notes will be ready for review
• When he will make and take a practice test
• When he will review the tests with teachers
Scheduling must take into consideration his regular homework load, long-range projects and other regular activities such as sports or music. If your son wants to take spring break off, he must demonstrate how he will shift the workload to compensate.
This calendar is your child’s realistic commitment to preparing for final exams. The completed calendar puts your child in control of learning and sets plans for responsible action when spring break is over. Your child will be able to take a rest from the school routine with the knowledge that he knows what needs to be accomplished – and when – after the break is over.
As a generation that attempts to fill every second, we lose a lot of productivity to heart attacks, anxiety, depression and other stress-related conditions. We need to teach our children that a break is healthy and legitimate in the life of a person who is in control.
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Son Won’t Do Homework But Wants To Be A Judge
January 26, 2010 12:00 PM
Student
has no clue what it will take regarding his studies
to get into college, much less law
school.Read
more...
