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Set rules to help child enjoy ‘homebody’ days
July 20, 2010 12:00 PM Filed in: Elementary
School
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Dear Dr. Fournier: I have tried
to find activities for my ten-year-old son, but
every time I suggest something, he says, “no.” He
won’t go off to camp; he just wants to stay home.
During the school year, he has friends over some weekends and will play sometimes after school with a neighbor. But after a few days, he goes back to wanting to be alone. He doesn’t seem unhappy. He loves to tinker, loves art and builds incredible things with building sets. I know he also needs to be with other children. How do I get him out of the house? Linda M., Lexington, Kentucky |
Dear Linda: In a fantasy life portrayed on television and in the movies, the happy family always includes a best friend – a pal, a playmate – for the kids.
For generations of TV children from Opie Taylor to the characters on the O.C., a best friend has always been close enough to share antics, adventures, and sleepovers. Beaver Cleaver could leave it to Whitey, and Angela Chase ran wild with Rayanne Graff. However, when it comes to the idea of Home Alone, the movies then tell us that a child must be left alone by accident, not by choice. Now for a message from reality: There is nothing wrong about wanting to be alone; or enjoying it!
The Assessment: As parents, it’s important to listen to our children’s messages about what is important to them. Many adults wait until middle age to learn that fulfilling the need for personal and private time – and space – is OK.
Having time alone allows us to indulge ourselves, and occasionally, to discover strengths we might not know that we possess. This is a time the mythologist Joseph Campbell, famed for his Power of Myth interviews with Bill Moyers, calls a period of “creative incubation.” It is a place where you can simply experience what you are and what you might become. Many people have to take steps to re-learn how to develop this side of themselves later in life, so if you see this as a quality your child already possesses, understand that it is a gift.
What To Do: Linda, whenever your son expresses the need to be alone, set down some rules as if he were having another child over to play. Start by talking about the things he enjoys while he is alone. If he simply wants to watch television, then that’s not enough. Help your child think of the fun things he likes to do, such as painting, building, collecting rocks, or sculpting from clay. Keep the list on the refrigerator door, and as your child has “homebody days,” he may think of other activities to add to the list. This list will be more for your benefit now than your son’s in the future. It will help you accomplish three things:
1) It will help you make suggestions as to what to do on “homebody days.”
2) It will help you know the types of supplies to keep in stock around the house, such as watercolors, a tool kit or clay. These items make great gifts for birthdays or special occasions.
3) It will help you remain calm about your “homebody.” You will know he is developing his creativity, and is doing exactly what makes him happy.
Learning to rely on ourselves in times of joy and sadness is a very important quality for both children and adults. Help your child use his time alone to learn self-reliance, trust, and decision-making that are unique to his own needs. If he can develop these now, he will not be faced with this predicament later in life.
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Emphasize gains, losses in child’s approach to tasks
July 13, 2010 12:00 PM Filed in: All Levels
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Dear Dr. Fournier: You say parents should not tie material rewards to their children’s grades. To my regret, I pay my children for grades and chores. I thought that since adults work for pay, children should work for pay, too. Now each time I ask for help I am asked, “How much are you going to pay me?” How do I get out of this trap? Chuck B., Little Rock, Arkansas |
Dear Chuck: It is common for parents to use a system of punishments and rewards when they are dealing with their children. It seems natural to reward a completed job, or to punish a child for not handling his or her responsibilities, and many parents out there will argue for this kind of system. The assumption is just as you said, “I thought that since adults work for pay, children should work for pay, too.”
However, let’s stop and think about this for a moment. At the office, if you have not completed the work you were expected to do, we do not hear an employer come in and say, “If you complete the employee handbook, I’ll give you $5 for each paragraph and $1 for every sentence,” or “Bring in your stereo. You’ve lost it for a month for not getting your work in on time.”
The Assessment: A child’s hopeful question, “How much are you going to pay me?” is often followed by a predictable response when parents refuse to buy into a reward system: “But you get paid for the work you do…!”
Yes, adults work hard to make money and pay the bills, but children have the idea of working to collect pocket money for fun. Parents are not responsible for hiring their children to go to school or to be a contributing member of the household. If a parent makes the choice to pay their child for success in school and for chores at home, the child is silently being told that their motivation is directly tied to our wallets.
In the workplace, adults may find themselves taking on additional tasks or carrying work home without the expectation of extra pay. Just imagine responding to a supervisor’s request with the question “How much are you going to pay me?” It could jeopardize future promotions, job security, and the paycheck.
Life will give our children enough opportunities to work for money. As parents, we must teach children to carry out responsibilities regardless of the time, tediousness, or discomfort that the task may require.
The responsibilities that come with being a contributing member of a loving and caring family should not be for sale, nor should success in school. Whenever a child asks, “What do I get for it?” your only answer needs to be, “The opportunity to learn how to love, care and avoid suffering losses in future relationships.” Your child needs to take ownership of his accomplishments and he cannot do that if his success is bought and paid for. Genuine motivation cannot fully develop when it is tied to the promise of an external reward.
What To Do: Introduce your child to a new vocabulary, Chuck. It is a vocabulary of decision-making. Many children base their decisions and choices solely on the promise of instant gratification. The responsibility that you will have in this situation is to guide your child toward making decisions based on a rational assessment of gains and losses.
Each time your child is faced with a choice, they must ask the question: “What am I willing to lose for the sake of what I will gain?” Help your child adopt a plus and minus system of understanding and balancing possible gains and losses. It could be as simple as asking, “If I don’t help dad with the yard work, what will I gain and what will I lose?” Your child will ultimately realize that he is gaining an afternoon of freedom, but will learn that he is choosing to damage trust and cohesion in the family. This is an important understanding not only for the short term repercussions with the family, but also for his long term development in how he will participate in creating and maintaining future relationships in his adult life.
The same plus and minus system also applies to school, where your child has the choice of doing poorly or doing well. When using the gains and losses strategy in this context, stick to the responsibilities that apply to all courses, such as not completing homework. We all have the right to experience failure, but if a student chooses to do poor work, he or she needs to understand that the choice has been made for both short-term (in school grades) and long-term (in life opportunities) losses for the minimal gain of avoiding work.
After you discuss these gains and losses, work with your child to develop her own definitions of doing well and doing poorly in school, then do the same for the responsibilities she has at home with the family. These can be different subjects and may change during the school year. This will give your child a measuring stick for his choices. Write down your short-term and long-term expectations and have your child clearly set out the losses he should be choosing. Giving up an afternoon to yard work in order to be a contributor to a happier home life is a loss worth taking.
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Let children resolve boredom alone
July 06, 2010 12:00 PM Filed in: All Levels
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Dear Dr. Fournier: I look forward to summer even more than my children. The reason is simple. We “both” get out of school! Yet summers have their own challenges. I plan ahead to make sure my children (ages 5, 9 and12) are signed for as many activities as I can reasonably drive to and still have family time. Sounds like a great plan but I am always faced, no matter how much I try with “I’m bored. What are we going to do now?” When I do not have an answer, the children act as if they are miserable. How do I fill in their “misery” time? Gretchen C., Albany, New Hampshire |
Dear Gretchen: Children are trained by school to have decisions about what to do next mapped out for them. This includes time spent at home, because it is often taken up by a homework regimen. Deciding what to do with time is a luxury children do not have, and this can include weekends as well.
Because of these circumstances, it is difficult for children who are trained to “follow the leader” (the teacher) for at least ten months out of the year to know how to do for themselves what they have little experience doing. The freedom to choose what to do is not a skill schools tend to include in their curriculums.
The Assessment: In order to answer the question of your child’s boredom, we must first ask another question: Are parents responsible for quelling boredom by scheduling away free time with activities? Many parents believe the answer is ‘yes.’
Over the years as an educational consultant, I have heard several recurring statements that are what I have come to call the “natural language” of parenting. One of these “natural” statements is ‘I just want my child to be happy.’
Though statements like this are harmless enough, they tend to lead to a Greeting Card Syndrome. In greeting cards, we read cheerful notes such as “May today’s happiness be with you forever!” This is a pleasant thought, but it is a wish for the impossible. The Greeting Card Syndrome is the belief that this is what we can expect from life all the time, and we are shocked and bewildered when this expectation is not met. All of us go through bad times, and life merely asks that we cope with the situations, not meet them with a smile.
For parents, the Greeting Card Syndrome can cause the belief that happiness is a daily vitamin requirement to be given, and then fall victim to the erroneous thought that they are supposed to supply this happiness vitamin to their children.
Gretchen, you are asking that your children learn how to figure out for themselves what to do about boredom and how to do it. Rather than view this as a problem, view it an extraordinary opportunity.
What To Do: Regardless of all you do for and give to your children, there is an intangible gift that could mean the difference between being a follower for the rest of their life or being a leader in all that they do: the capacity to take charge of life through critical and creative decision making.
When your child says, “I am bored,” define the term for your child.
Respond with, “I am thrilled because you are coming to me so I can choose what to do with your time. Since time is a synonym for life, you are asking me to take control of your life and to get rid of that boredom.” Then you must have the courage to take control.
Tell your child he or she can vacuum the house, clean out the garage, collect the garbage, or clean the commodes.” Your child is going to respond, “I don’t want to do that.” Your answer is “There are no other options and doing one of these is not optional. You have asked me to tell you what to do and I have. You will have to do one of these.” You may see tears, anger or any other form of revolt. Pay no attention, and do not allow the child to do anything else until one of the chores is done and passes your inspection.
When the chore is done, let your child know that he/she has the option in the future of deciding what to do before coming back to you and using the word ‘bored.’ It took me only one addressing of the word ‘bored’ in my home. I never heard the word again.
This will require you to have rules about when and for how long children will be allowed to view television, play video games, or be on the computer wasting time, but it will teach them to overcome Greeting Card Syndrome, resolve these feelings of boredom for themselves and to cope with the negative feelings attached to it.
Let all your children know that the feeling of boredom means they are at the threshold of using their imagination and creativity.
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