Mom Blowing Comment Out Of Proportion?

Dear Dr. Fournier: School’s about to start and I think my wife and I are more stressed about it than my son is. Every year we go through the same thing. He comes in from school, goes to the break room in my office, gets a snack and a Coke, gets out his iPod Touch and plays games on it until I close the office and we go home at 5:00 p.m.

Sometimes he starts his homework while his mother and I fix dinner. Sometimes he waits until after dinner. More times than I care to mention last school year, it took him until almost 10 p.m. to finish his homework! He starts everything with, “I can’t do this,” or, “It’s dumb, Dad.”

He’ll sit in the living room at his desk and daydream or chew his fingernails or just sit while I prod and then scream for him to get going on his homework. This year he goes into the sixth grade and I know he will have more work to do. I know this is the point he should not have to have me on his back constantly about homework. I wrote to you about this time last year with this problem and you suggested in your column to use your timer strategy but he said he wasn’t a baby. We feel like we’re running out of time with him, still trying to persuade him to take advantage of his opportunity to get a good education. What else can we do? David M., Kennett, Mo.

Dear David: Your son has a time management issue, one in which he doesn’t fully understand time and what he can accomplish within a fixed amount of time. This is causing him to procrastinate because he can’t relate to what time really means and thus he doesn’t know how much homework he can do in a fixed amount of time.

We live hurried lives; let’s face it. Almost from the time our children are born, time means “hurry,” which means stress. As parents, we are doubly stressed by time and by our desire for more of it, and by our children’s complete disregard for it.

The Assessment: On a typical school day we begin by telling our kids to, “Hurry up and eat breakfast or you’ll be late for school.”

Then we end the day by reminding them, “Hurry up and get cleaned up, brush your teeth and get your pajamas on because it’s time for bed.”

During the time in between, our children listen to school bells to tell them when to start and finish their work.

No wonder they look at teachers in disbelief when one says, “Don’t rush; take your time because you have 10 minutes to complete this quiz.” They have no clue what 10 minutes on the clock really means or how to use it properly.

How else then can a child interpret the meaning of time? Time to children means short, rushed, crowded and/or hurried. As students, they often tune out to protect themselves from the hectic pace.

Before a child can learn to use time wisely, he must first learn a realistic definition of what time is.

What To Do: As soon as a child can tell time or count by fives, he or she should have an analog watch to use for school and homework assignments.

So David, it’s time to replace your timer with an analog watch - not a digital one. Make sure your son uses an analog watch to do his homework (and no, the digital clock on his iPod Touch will not do). No wristwatch either, not even an analog one, and I’ll explain why in a moment.

The analog watch will help him visually redefine time as space, allowing him to see the area between 2:15 and 2:30, on the face of the watch. This will also help him define time as empty space with no connotation of hurriedness.

Using the analog watch as a picture of time, you can teach him how to learn what he can realistically and effectively accomplish in a certain or fixed amount of time which has now become “space” on the analog watch.

Make sure the analog watch is on the break room table in your office or at home on his desk where he can view it as he is doing his homework so that he can check the time without losing concentration. For this reason, your child should not look at a watch on his wrist or up at a wall clock that breaks his train of thought and interrupts his ability to work within his known limits (the space on the clock face).

At the start of each new homework assignment, have your son tell you where the big hand of the watch will be when he finishes. Then tell him, “This is how much space you have.”

As your son travels through space, he will also learn to assess his own working capacity. At the end of the allotted time, discuss with him what he accomplished within that space. Once he is comfortable with the new process, let his teacher know he will be using his analog watch on his desk at school to complete assignments.

And David, have your son put away the iPod Touch until the homework is done. He’ll see he has plenty of time to play his games now that he knows his working capacity and knows procrastination is not necessary.

It’s important to redefine time to eliminate stress and hurry, but it’s also essential for your son to develop self-recognition of his working capacity. That’s not just a skill for school, but one for life and for the workforce of the future.

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Tags: Homework, Organization, Time-Management

Uniforms or Dress Code Teach Reasons, Respect

May 19, 2009 12:00 PM

Dear Dr. Fournier: Should all children have to wear the same uniform to school or should they be allowed to dress individually as long as they follow a standard dress code?

The Assessment: In our work life, we all have different roles that define what we do for those we serve. People who focus on carrying out their responsibilities with excellence, initiative, and innovation do so based on service to others, not on how they look.

Most working adults either have a uniform or a dress code that intends to guarantee the employee physical and emotional safety needed for themselves and from others to concentrate cognitively on their job. Examples include a pilot who wears a uniform that designates authority and trust; a surgeon who wears pajama-like medical attire for comfort, yet it is sterile for health and safety reasons; and tellers in a bank, who generally follow the “banker’s blue” dress code including closed-toed shoes for women, even though most of us don’t see a teller’s feet.

We all have the choice of wearing the politically correct social attire for what we do in our private lives. For example, when you get an invitation that says “Black-tie,” women know to wear a dark or black formal or semi-formal dress while men know to wear a formal black suit, even with a bow tie rather than a standard tie. If the invitation says “Causal,” or “Business Casual,” that may mean beach clothes if it is to a pool party or khaki pants and a polo shirt for men and a sundress for women if it is a corporate party.

Finally, there are social norms that we learn from parents or intuitively as we grow. Examples include how we dress when we go to church, a graduation ceremony, or a park festival. We know they are different, yet within each category, each place has its dress code.

The idea that clothes are to be used as a way for children and adolescents to develop individuality is a poor excuse for not teaching children that attire has to do with those they serve or care for. On too many occasions, children brought up to use attire to develop individuality end up believing that what they want is more important than following the guidelines of what is considered respectful.

I have been to formal weddings where men showed up in blue jeans, a Bar Mitzvah where girls bared their midriff, a graduation where the graduates dressed as if they were heading out to a nightclub, and a church where some girls go in shorts that are almost non-existent. I once had a prospective employee show up to his interview in flip-flops and clothes that should be in the washer.

Some may read this and say this is their prerogative. While true, your attire should not speak louder than your intelligence.

As for dress codes or required uniforms, students – in the name of individuality – are constantly try to cross the lines. It really does not matter whether a school has a uniform or a dress code. It does matter that we teach them why it matters.

What To Do: Starting as early as possible, every parent and school should hold themselves responsible for teaching our youth that their bodies talk, and once their bodies speak, what your body says will be, “I command respect by giving respect.” That includes wearing a uniform or following a dress code.

It is amazing how students will follow the rules when they understand the reason for them. For example, in my Day School, students are not allowed to wear rubber flip-flops because of the chance they get caught on the carpet and someone ends up on the floor face down with no front teeth. Boys do not wear earrings because they are expected to dazzle the world with their mind and not with their earlobes.

Personally, I prefer uniforms. When I was required to wear one in ninth grade, I thought I belonged because of my mind power and not because of what I wore.

The development of individuality should be about respect for self and for others – not disrespect. This is the most important rule of attire: A school dress code or uniform is intended to keep your MIND on your MIND, not “How can I outwit the rule today to flaunt my body instead.”

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Tags: System

Trying to keep pace

February 17, 2009 12:00 PM

Dear Dr. Fournier: Our three children are in a school that is known as one of the best in the community because of its excellent credentials. When did “best” become math equations in second grade; concepts of force, motion, lever, pulleys and leverage in third grade; and the Krebs cycle in fourth grade? Teachers are teaching more of what our children can’t comprehend at their ages and less of what they should be teaching, grade appropriate content and a love for learning. Instead we have a second grader that the teacher feels should be tested for ADHD, even though he has all A’s (he fidgets), a third grader who gets in the car crying each morning saying, “I hate school,” and a fourth grader who gets mad at me or her father when we try to help her with homework because, “The teacher said that’s cheating.” What recourse besides home schooling do we have?

The Assessment: In 1957, the United States went through the shock of a lifetime. The Russians developed Sputnik and landed it on the moon first, thereby passing the country that was supposed to be the World Super Power and best at everything. The Space Race (also called the arms race by some) was ignited. The United States had to regain it crown of glory, power and military supremacy. Not only was culture, technology, political ideology and military supremacy at stake, the finger of the Cold War was pointed at education as the axis of evil for such a disgrace. All of a sudden, teachers were given the ultimatum that math and science had to be taught and learned beyond the expectations of any other country, thus the “push-down” syndrome of math and science at an earlier age was born.

With the “push-down” syndrome can Standardized Testing. To this day, our education leaders are still desperately clinging to the outdated idea that teaching to the test will work. Strange that the more microscopic the scrutiny has become, less is achieved, more students are rejecting education, and diplomas are handed out to socially promoted illiterates, all while the world’s momentum to super achieve academically increases every day.

The morale of the story is that when you have a problem and you choose the wrong solution, the problem gets worse. There is a right solution but the problem is just like the one on Wall Street and Detroit. You still have the same people who ran the business or institution into the ground as the people you are still relying on to right the ship.

What To Do: As long as you are a parent of a dependent child, you are in charge of your child’s education. Teachers are transitory people who instruct a portion of the big picture. Get over your fear of the person you hired to teach your child and assert your authority. Make regular appointments and talk with your children’s teachers, not just when parent-teacher conference time comes around. Don’t be afraid to ask teachers to help you solve the problems you have at home with your children that have been created because of school. For extra courage, write down what you want to discuss with your children’s teachers but make sure you talk to them in a civil and diplomatic way. If you do not get satisfaction and solutions, go up the chain of command just like you would do at your job if you had a problem. If this is a public school, write your state representatives and set up face-to-face meetings with them if possible to ask for help in changing the system. If this is a private school, and you do not get satisfaction from teacher or headmaster/board, then look for another school you can work with. Your children’s education and mental health is too important not to take immediate action.

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Tags: Study, Homework

Hassle-Free Homework^{^®}

Dr. Yvonne Fournier :: Article Archive 2009

Mom Blowing Comment Out Of Proportion?

School System’s Mantra of Equal Is Not Fair

Take A Business Approach To Conferences

Straight A’s Not License For Disrespect

Son’s Attitude Problems About School

Child Sets Himself Up For Failure This School Year

Help Your Child Understand What Time Really Means

Uniforms or Dress Code Teach Reasons, Respect

Trying to keep pace

Hassle-Free Homework®

Dr. Yvonne Fournier :: Article Archive 2009

Hassle-Free Homework^{^®}