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Mom Blowing Comment Out Of Proportion?
She must
be sure child wants to sing – and has the talent –
before being angry at the teacher.
She must
be sure child wants to sing – and has the talent –
before being angry at the teacher.
And even though Jose has had the spot and been rehearsing with the group since the beginning of the semester, the teacher had the new boy sing in his place at a recent school performance. Then in Choir class the next day, the teacher said in front of the class, “It’s much better with Thomas in the ensemble now, so Jose, you’re out … and don’t go home and cry to your mother about it.”
I am horrified that someone would treat a child this way. Before I jumped to conclusions, I called the school and verified what the teacher had said and done. While my son says he is fine with being out of the ensemble, and that it didn’t bother him, I cannot say that I feel the same way.
This incident perhaps has bothered me more than it has my son and I cannot get over it. In fact, I talked with the Choir teacher and asked her, “Don’t you think you should apologize?”
The teacher said, “I’m sorry you got so upset but there’s nothing to apologize for and your son is fine with it.”
Am I blowing this out of proportion? Eva M. , Corpus Christi, TX
P.S. I miss your columns in The Corpus Christi Caller-Times.
Dear Eva: Yes, Eva, you may be blowing this out of proportion.
Somehow over the years, we’ve lost our ability to ignore people and their comments. We wear our feelings on our sleeves and the least little thing said, we blow it way out of proportion. We allow such people to rule and ruin our day – sometimes we allow them to ruin our lives.
That said, people have also have lost their ability to be tactful and to understand that even though children seem to grow up faster these days than with previous generations, they are still children and can be hurt by such comments – even when those comments may be truthful and not intended to hurt.
The Assessment: It appears from your letter that Jose likes to sing. I am hoping you did not push him into Choir. Yet, as we raise our children with the affluence we’ve worked so hard for, many of them are pushed into things we desire for them, opportunities that we may not have had growing up. As a result, children are often in extracurricular activities because their parents desire it rather than asking if they want to do them.
When we should have asked, “Should Johnny take karate?” and, “Should Mary take piano?” the question becomes, “When will Johnny and Mary start taking lessons?”
Our affluence has not only brought the right to give; it has brought guilt when we don’t.
Unfortunately, we often forget that at times, the individuals who offer this smorgasbord of extracurricular opportunities may hold the philosophy that success (or winning) must be attained at all costs.
When we enroll or purchase the right for our child to participate in an activity, we are also agreeing to someone else’s idea of what our child should do and accomplish. In this case, my guess is the teacher has a professional and personal goal of putting the best singers she has in the ensemble.
I advise parents that before enrolling a child in any extracurricular or school elective activity, they must know exactly what the instructor or teacher/coach wants and expects in the way of performance and what could happen when someone better than your child comes along.
After you have discussed it with your child and made sure your child wants it as much as you do, then decide if it’s something you want your child to participate in and that it’s a commodity worth buying.
What To Do: Here’s a quick checklist I provide parents I counsel about enrolling their children into extracurricular activities, whether it be school offered or privately purchased. This should point you in the right direction when selecting these activities for your child:
Eva, there is an old phrase, “ Look before you leap.” It certainly applies when selecting activities for your son. There’s also another old phrase, “Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
It appears that the words may not have hurt Jose as much as they hurt you. You should drop it, move on and know that this likely will not be the last time your child will be faced with such a situation.
As long as Jose knows that there will be people like this he will face throughout life, he will be able to deal with them as long as he does not let it destroy him. He won’t if he has PERT, one of my strategies that will help him – and you – deal with future situations such as this one.
For more on PERT, visit my You Tube channel www.youtube.com/user/TheStrategizer, or watch this video www.youtube.com/watch?v=qG046zC7A68. You can also visit www.strategizer.com.
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Dear Dr. Fournier: My husband and I discovered about a year ago that our 8th grade son, Jose is actually a good singer. So, he took Choir as an elective class this fall, and then tried out for an ensemble singing group within the class and made it. He has practiced with the group since the beginning of this semester but just last week, he was taken out of the ensemble and replaced with a boy who transferred into the school last month. |
And even though Jose has had the spot and been rehearsing with the group since the beginning of the semester, the teacher had the new boy sing in his place at a recent school performance. Then in Choir class the next day, the teacher said in front of the class, “It’s much better with Thomas in the ensemble now, so Jose, you’re out … and don’t go home and cry to your mother about it.”
I am horrified that someone would treat a child this way. Before I jumped to conclusions, I called the school and verified what the teacher had said and done. While my son says he is fine with being out of the ensemble, and that it didn’t bother him, I cannot say that I feel the same way.
This incident perhaps has bothered me more than it has my son and I cannot get over it. In fact, I talked with the Choir teacher and asked her, “Don’t you think you should apologize?”
The teacher said, “I’m sorry you got so upset but there’s nothing to apologize for and your son is fine with it.”
Am I blowing this out of proportion? Eva M. , Corpus Christi, TX
P.S. I miss your columns in The Corpus Christi Caller-Times.
Dear Eva: Yes, Eva, you may be blowing this out of proportion.
Somehow over the years, we’ve lost our ability to ignore people and their comments. We wear our feelings on our sleeves and the least little thing said, we blow it way out of proportion. We allow such people to rule and ruin our day – sometimes we allow them to ruin our lives.
That said, people have also have lost their ability to be tactful and to understand that even though children seem to grow up faster these days than with previous generations, they are still children and can be hurt by such comments – even when those comments may be truthful and not intended to hurt.
The Assessment: It appears from your letter that Jose likes to sing. I am hoping you did not push him into Choir. Yet, as we raise our children with the affluence we’ve worked so hard for, many of them are pushed into things we desire for them, opportunities that we may not have had growing up. As a result, children are often in extracurricular activities because their parents desire it rather than asking if they want to do them.
When we should have asked, “Should Johnny take karate?” and, “Should Mary take piano?” the question becomes, “When will Johnny and Mary start taking lessons?”
Our affluence has not only brought the right to give; it has brought guilt when we don’t.
Unfortunately, we often forget that at times, the individuals who offer this smorgasbord of extracurricular opportunities may hold the philosophy that success (or winning) must be attained at all costs.
When we enroll or purchase the right for our child to participate in an activity, we are also agreeing to someone else’s idea of what our child should do and accomplish. In this case, my guess is the teacher has a professional and personal goal of putting the best singers she has in the ensemble.
I advise parents that before enrolling a child in any extracurricular or school elective activity, they must know exactly what the instructor or teacher/coach wants and expects in the way of performance and what could happen when someone better than your child comes along.
After you have discussed it with your child and made sure your child wants it as much as you do, then decide if it’s something you want your child to participate in and that it’s a commodity worth buying.
What To Do: Here’s a quick checklist I provide parents I counsel about enrolling their children into extracurricular activities, whether it be school offered or privately purchased. This should point you in the right direction when selecting these activities for your child:
- Are you purchasing convenience? Sometimes we all take the easy route, such as enrolling our child in the same activity as other neighborhood kids so parents can carpool and children can have instant companions.
- What do you know about the teachers or instructors who will have direct responsibility for your child? Try to determine not only the requirements, such as practice time, but also the attitude of the teacher/coach or instructor toward success and failure.
- Is this a person who enjoys being with children, wants them to learn and to have a good time? One of the major disappointments parents experience is when they overlook the teacher/coach’s or the instructor’s own intense need for accomplishment. It’s also easy to succumb to the pressure a school or an organization puts on a teacher/coach or an instructor to succeed, even be number one in what they’re teaching, coaching or instructing. When this happens, adults anxious to succeed may unintentionally say things that hurt children.
- Does the teacher/coach/instructor have personal recommendations? Ask for names and telephone numbers of past and current students and talk to their parents about why their children were in the activity and what was the outcome. If parents brag about how the activity affected their children, ask yourself if it was a positive outcome for the children and is this what you want for your child?
- Have you overcommitted yourself and your child? Make sure you don’t feel stuck if your child’s intended fun turns into a family nightmare.
- Is your child prepared? Help your child learn the reasons why he or she is in the activity and what you both hope to accomplish. Talk about ways to handle difficult situations that may arise from being involved in a new group.
Eva, there is an old phrase, “ Look before you leap.” It certainly applies when selecting activities for your son. There’s also another old phrase, “Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
It appears that the words may not have hurt Jose as much as they hurt you. You should drop it, move on and know that this likely will not be the last time your child will be faced with such a situation.
As long as Jose knows that there will be people like this he will face throughout life, he will be able to deal with them as long as he does not let it destroy him. He won’t if he has PERT, one of my strategies that will help him – and you – deal with future situations such as this one.
For more on PERT, visit my You Tube channel www.youtube.com/user/TheStrategizer, or watch this video www.youtube.com/watch?v=qG046zC7A68. You can also visit www.strategizer.com.
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