%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
All Levels
Anti-Greed Resolutions
December 30, 2008 12:00 PM
|
Dear Dr. Fournier: What can I do with my children while they are out of school for the holidays? I want to keep them in the mood to learn so it’s not a Battle Royale when school resumes in January, that is, if we still have school and a country come January. |
The Assessment: Your comment, “If we still have school and a country come January” leads me to believe you are concerned about not only your future but your children’s as well. Many of us are concerned about the future of this country. While it is appalling that our voices seem to be falling on the deaf ears of our elected “leaders (?),” it is equally appalling that our country’s business and industry “titans” cannot manage their companies properly in good times so they will not have to run to the American taxpayer for money undo their personal greed and atrocious mis-management in bad times. With Financial Institutions wanting bailouts and the American Automakers now standing with their hands out while their personal pockets are full of corporate bonus dollars for being failures at their jobs, one can see clearly the horrors of greed. Sadly, it is you and I, the “little” people who suffer from this greed the most. There are lessons to be learned here but I fear the ones who need to learn these lessons possess too much hubris.
First, we must keep things in perspective. Concern is one thing; worry only makes things worse. If we stop for a moment and think about things clearly, we’ll see that our problems are not insurmountable. When you have angst over things you cannot control, your children pick up on it and in turn, they will begin to share your anxiety. It may sound cliché, but if you look around you, you’ll see people right here in this country who are in much worse shape than you or I.
And, you are right that it can be a battle to get children refocused on school and back on a schedule in January after parents have allowed them for two (in some cases three) weeks to do totally mindless activities during the holiday break.
What To Do: Use the holiday break constructively and put my Better Solution for a New Year’s Resolution™ strategy in place with your children as well as yourself.
New Year’s Resolutions are usually selfish or at least about some type of self-improvement. While self-improvement is good, now is the time to teach your children that it’s not all about them. I can’t think of a better moment in history to teach them that they can make a difference in the world through caring for others. Your children are in the generation that will be accountable and responsible for changing the culture of greed in this country to a culture of cooperation and caring. If we do not teach our children to do this, we deserve the demise that will follow.
Start the holiday with a periodic family “soup” night as the only meal of the day and sit in an unheated car for an hour with just your coats as you write your New Year’s Resolutions. Start with what you can give away to someone less fortunate than you. On New Year’s Day post all their solutions for giving on the dining room wall. Discuss the ones that can be accomplished immediately and those that the family commits to be done throughout the coming year.
Add to the list commitments to care for each other such as helping clean up the kitchen after meals, raking leaves, mowing the lawn, and calling sick family and friends to offer “hope you feel better” wishes.
Above all, care for others, keep up hope and your children will see that caring is the road to a happiness that will thrive within them.
<<Previous page
Good or Bad?
December 23, 2008 12:00 PM
|
Dear Dr. Fournier: Our children are in public school because we cannot afford private school. They come home almost every day having learned a new curse word or disrespectful action. My husband and I are trying to teach them morals, ethics and Christian principles, as it should be, but I need some encouragement, especially this time of year. |
The Assessment: It is a shame yet also a blessing that people think about acting and teaching “good” at this time of the year. The shame is many people are unfazed about how immoral and unethical they act all year long.
There is no shame in parents not being able to afford private school for their children. Private school as it related to this is not an advantage. Why? Because children come home from exclusive private schools, even religious ones, hearing, seeing, repeating and modeling as much immorality and unethical behavior as public school students do.
From an education perspective, it matters little because both public and private schools teach from the outdated curriculum of the agricultural and industrial era.
At one point in time, schools taught ethics and manners – saying please and thank you, listening carefully to others, waiting for your turn to speak, and shaking hands when introduced to someone, among other things.
Today, these schools are so focused on test results that force all students to answer a question with the same answer that they don’t have time to correct all the wrong behaviors and bad habits that are being imposed on your child by classmates whose parents have not taken the opportunity to teach their children ethics and morals, good manners and behaviors, and caring for others.
You are right to say, “as it should be.” I laud the fact you and your husband understand it is your responsibility to teach good behavior, morals and ethics to your children.
What To Do: Use my Picture of You™ strategy to teach your children how to act with etiquette, morals and ethics toward people.
For example, let’s say your child hands in his homework to his teacher on a crumpled piece of notebook paper with mark outs and chocolate smudges on it. The first thing the teacher sees is his name on the homework and then immediately associates characteristics to your child based on the state of the homework paper. The teacher is now developing a picture of your child based on these characteristics: disorganized, dirty, and/or trashy. That same teacher may be writing on the board moments later and lecturing to the class when your child talks out of turn, adding the characteristic of disrespect to the picture of your child.
Make sure you are teaching the most important ethic to your children, that we should care for each other, each and every day of the year, and not just at the holidays. God has given us all the same gift of caring to make the world a better place. It does not matter your faith, Muslim, Jew, or Christian and it does not matter the time of year, as we should care for each other the year ‘round.
Each group will undoubtedly celebrate this time of year according to the principles of these respective faiths; however, each of these faiths has as its central core, the teaching to care for one another. I recently read a holiday ornament that said “Santa, Define Bad!” Teach your children that the answer does not come from Santa. The answer is already written in their hearts. “Bad” is anything that does not result in doing good for others and for the world. When does your child know they have done the good thing? When it brings joy to their hearts. Happy holidays.
<<Previous page
Home rules, not school rules
December 16, 2008 12:00 PM
|
Dear Dr. Fournier: I’ve been saving your columns as resources for when my sons start school. What do you offer parents that will help prepare children for school? I wish I would have known about your columns when I was a fifth grade teacher. |
The Assessment: I’m assuming you have been around your children during the day and observed them closely. One son may watch television programs aimed at children such as Sesame Street. The other may pull out Legos® and play for a while. Becoming bored, this son may stop in the middle of building something and go to his room for other toys. He may even yell out for you to come see something in his room. The other son may hop up in the middle of his show and go to the bathroom, without approval or permission or head for the kitchen to get a snack or even ask for his lunch outside of the “normal” lunch hour. Why? Because you use my Live Like a Family™ rules at home regarding these activities.
First, let your children be children for as long as they can be. School comes soon enough and once they enter, they will be slammed with the outdated teachings of our agricultural and industrial era school system along with the pushed-down acceleration of data, which is developmentally inappropriate and, for too many children, damaging.
What To Do: Many parents use my Red Light/Green Light™ strategy to explain my Live Like a Student™ rules to children. Have a pretend school day in your home once or twice a week to begin showing them how school will be different from home because of school rules.
As you have these dress rehearsals for school, call out “red light” when your child does not follow a Rule of School™ and have him explain the rule so you are confident he understands it. If he does, call out “green light” and resume “play” school. Soon, your children will become used to school rules they will have to abide by.
For example, explain they cannot jump up in school any time they want and run to the bathroom. Explain they must raise their hands, be recognized and receive permission. Likewise, explain they cannot simply shout out in class as they are allowed to do at home and that they cannot stop doing something simply because they become bored with it.
Purchase a backpack, notebook and pencils. As their pretend teacher, give them a “class” assignment. Have them use the pencils and paper, even if only to draw. Explain to your sons that they will be bringing schoolwork home for you to review and sign, as well as homework they will have to complete at home.
Show them how to place their papers and pencils in their backpacks in a neat and arranged fashion. This teaches organizational skills. Have your sons place their backpacks in the same location each day after packed and ready for school then explain to them that mornings will be hectic and they will need to have everything in one place, ready to go as soon as they are dressed and have finished breakfast.
Explain to them that rules, at home or school, are to keep them safe. Make sure you add my When Kids Get Home Rule of School™ for your children. The first thing they do the minute they get home is seek out Mom, give her a hug and say, “Hi, Mom, I’m home from school and I can’t wait to finish my homework so I can stop being a student and be your son again!” The moment they are finished and everything for the next day is in the same place, announce they are now free to go to the Live Like a Family™ rules and celebrate the rest of the day.
<<Previous page
Less can be more
November 11, 2008 12:00 PM
|
Dear Dr. Fournier: Now that you have told us about not doing homework and being respectful toward the teacher, please tell teachers that more than 60 minutes of homework a night is more than any child should have to do. This is what I would call respect for my family, who is involved in many other activities. Your article didn’t say how much homework the child not completing his homework was doing every night, but what if it was hours and not just 60 minutes several nights a week? I think, I hope your response would have been different. |
The Assessment: In a recent column, I did answer a question regarding children using school as a casino. They choose and pick what they will do. Of course the easiest chip to gamble with is homework. You can say to your parents you did it then tell your teacher you lost or left it at home or in your locker or many other stories I have heard from kids. Many students think a zero for homework can be made up with a good test grade.
There is a terrible problem attached to this casino game. Students can actually come out winners even if it is with a D – but they will find as adults that the majority of their work life will be made of tasks that will be like homework. Yet once hired, playing at the casino game is your way of saying to whoever writes your check that you have the belief – developed during your education years – that you can be unreliable, disrespectful and cheat and still expect to be employed and paid.
What To Do: For any child to be given more than one hour of homework when it is not worth an hour of their life is to totally disrespect the reality that parents’ jobs today have been expanded because schools refuse to teach our children the skills they will need to be successful in 2020 and beyond – a world neither you, myself, nor any of your grandchildren’s teachers can imagine. Instead, they keep teaching more of the old industrial era information calling it “better” education simply because it’s “more” education. Making our children learn more of what our generation knows is obsolete, with the exception of the basic skills of reading, writing, arithmetic, speaking and listening, is pointless and a waste of yours and your child’s precious time.
Teachers however are not the culprits! We must all take blame. Once we can do that, we possibly can get on with realizing that reforming our schools will no longer work. Once we can collectively face politicians and policy-makers and demand a new school system, we may be able to stop excessive homework and our children can actually start learning in school. Only in a new school system can we correct the fact that more than 50 percent of high school graduates have to learn their basic skills in high school and college because they didn’t get them in elementary and junior high.
The Treasurer of a County School Corporation sent in this letter. As treasurer, you know that money is always tight and expense has an exponential growth gene of its own.
I ask your patience. I plan to use your letter again to directly attack the subject of just how much homework is enough. In the meantime, how much would society and your school system save if teachers were paid for how much children actually learned in school instead of how much homework and outside projects they are assigned that too many times end up destroying the fabric of family life? Could we line item that as “Priceless!”
<<Previous page
Simple Disrespect
November 04, 2008 12:00 PM
|
Dear Dr. Fournier: I read
with interest a recent opinion you gave on a
“straight A eleven-year-old being disrespectful
of her mother” because she didn’t want her mother
looking at her homework. I think there is more
than disrespect involved (assuming these are real
people).
I am the mom of three sons (ages 14, 17, 20). All of them are very capable students but all have very different feelings about my involvement in their school responsibilities from wanting my input to absolutely not wanting any input. I learned to adjust my approach so that even the most independent does not have a problem with my looking at his work when I’d like. I have found that effective communication is essential in some of the stickier parenting issues. |
The Assessment: Let me address a couple of your comments first.
“Assuming these are real people” – I can assure you these letters are from real people. After 30 years of practice and more than 20 years writing this column, I am still flooded with letters, calls and e-mails from real people who seek my advice on painful issues with their children. Her question was not uncommon. I have received it many times in some form or another from all over the country.
“I have found that effective communication is essential in some of the stickier parenting issues” – The only sticky issue here is the misguided idea that a parent should acquiesce when a child attempts to parent the parent into obeying the child’s rules.
What To Do: A parent is the major caretaker and stakeholder of a child’s complete education. Each year teachers teach the portion they are assigned. It is the parent – and only the parent – that is capable of seeing the whole picture. And the whole picture is that A’s in school are only a small part of this child’s education and what she will need to achieve success as an adult. The one thing I do know from dealing with my own son and working with thousands of children during my career is that this child does not know who her boss is. It is not her teachers, it not her friends, and it is not herself.
This child is preparing to be at the beginning of her work life in the year 2022. By then technology, information and communication will force her to work cooperatively and collaboratively with people of all nations. If she is unable to do this with caring for her coworkers concerns, they are not going to put up with her. If this child is making A’s in school but won’t cooperate with her mother at home, she is lucky she doesn’t live with me. It would take me one second to tear up her homework and tell her to start again; and this time she’d better understand Mom is the major stakeholder in her life and is the boss in charge of her education, and that includes reviewing homework assignments as desired.
We have enough hateful, arrogant and “better than thou” people in the world. I certainly refuse to endorse a mother bringing up one more up.
This child doesn’t need to learn any more math, English, science or anything else until she learns one thing: “The world does not remember us by our style or by our wit; it does not remember us by our knowledge or our words; no, the world remembers only one thing: The world remembers love.” (Author unknown – but the author’s love is remembered because he knew that disrespect is never simple – yet it is what wars are made of).
<<Previous page
Planning for college starts before high school
October 28, 2008 12:00 PM
I
am a single working mother of three with a degree in
psychology yet I’m an administrative assistant who
had to learn on the job. I started this job at
$18,000 and have worked up to $40,000 but am afraid I
am reaching my peak. I still have a fifth, seventh
and eighth grader to get through college. Yet look at
what college did
not do for me! My
kids deserve to have a better future. Is there
anything I can do? Read
more...
Grades don't reflect knowledge, only test questions
September 09, 2008 12:00 PM
Every year
since fifth grade my son’s straight A report cards
have declined. Last year he was a B to C and even D
(in math) student. He has no behavior problems, pays
attention, completes his work and does his homework
before any TV or play. He always hands in his work.
He just makes poor grades on his tests. Last year his
teacher had his class bring home all graded work
every Friday to correct mistakes and hand in the
corrected papers on Tuesday. Most of his errors were
careless errors that he could correct right away once
he saw what he did. The teacher was more than willing
to re-explain if he arrived early on Tuesday
mornings. I would take him in early and he never
complained. His grades do not reflect what he knows
yet I can’t scream, yell, or punish enough to get him
to stop losing points for what he already
knows.Read
more...
Make decisions with a time inventory
August 12, 2008 12:00 PM
My
daughter wants to play soccer this fall. He father
doesn’t want her to because of all her other
commitments. She wants to because all her friends
will be playing. She’s taking piano lessons twice a
week. She’s a cheerleader for the junior high
football team, which requires practice three days a
week then there are the games each Friday night.
Soccer practice will be at least three times a week,
plus there are the games and then there’s homework.
She’s a good student but I know her homework amount
is going to increase since she’s going into the 7th
grade. What do you think?
Read more...
Read more...
Pursuing misdiagnosis sends wrong message
July 01, 2008 12:00 PM
I
recently read your article answering a mother’s
question about her daughter's request to get tested
for ADHD prior to taking her ACT/SAT college exams.
If diagnosed, the daughter could take the college
entrance exams untimed and be prescribed ADHD
medicine. In your column, you did not recommend
getting diagnosed just for these exams. I think you
missed the daughter’s main point. I think it was
obvious the student wished to be diagnosed so she
could take the tests untimed. Students specifically
have a difficult time in the English and reading
comprehension sections because of the amount of
reading required to answer the questions. What is
wrong with giving a child more time to finish the
test?Read
more...
"By Chance" findings not a reason to panic
June 24, 2008 12:00 PM
I
just received my son's eleventh grade achievement
test scores, and he scored much lower than on past
achievement tests. He has always done well in school
and on his achievement tests – he is a responsible
A/B student who enjoys sports and plays trumpet in
the band. He is also very well rounded and mature for
his age, showing confidence and never afraid to stand
up for his personal views. Overall, I feel my son is
on a path for success, but I am afraid that this low
score will go on his transcript and negatively affect
his chances for college admission. What should I
do?Read
more...
Love reading inspite of summer assignments
June 17, 2008 12:00 PM
My
children are beginning their summer reading, and my
daughter has three books to read and two
extraordinarily long packets of questions to
complete. Can’t schools find better ways to get
children to read? I thought the purpose of summer
reading was for children to develop a love of
reading, but I am afraid it has an opposite effect.
When they were younger, my children couldn’t wait for
me to read to them, and they dreamed of the day when
they could read on their own. Now they would rather
be tarred and feathered.Read
more...
Observe your child in school for better understanding
June 10, 2008 12:00 PM
My
daughter just finished the seventh grade at a public
school, and her teachers say she has failed reading.
How could this happen? She has experienced some
slight difficulties in the past, but I don’t
understand how this issue could have developed
without earlier warning. From what I can tell, my
daughter isn’t the only student in this predicament.
Her summer school class is at full capacity, and some
of these students will be left behind if they cannot
pass the class. What is wrong with our schools? Why
can’t so many kids read? I am angry, frustrated and
afraid, and I am definitely not the only parent who
feels this way.
Read more...
Read more...
Schools not teaching for the future? Start at home
June 03, 2008 12:00 PM
I
have two children in school, and I am concerned that
they might not be receiving a well-rounded education.
In past columns, you discuss the importance of
preparing our children for a new global workforce,
and you emphasize how quickly our world is changing.
While this may be true, I am not sure that our
schools are adapting at the same pace. Some schools
are making small strides – and I hear much
philosophical talk about change – but I am not sure
that the implementation takes place. When looking
back on the past semester, I don’t see much evolution
in our school’s curriculum. Is there anything I can
do to enrich my children’s education and provide them
with the knowledge and skills they will need for the
ever-changing future?
Read more...
Read more...
Dealing with excessive amounts of homework
May 27, 2008 12:00 PM
In
a previous column, you explained that a student’s
failure to complete homework assignments was a sign
of disrespect for the teacher. While I agree, I think
there is another issue that should be addressed.
Teachers need to assign the proper amount of homework
without overloading students and placing a burden on
their entire families. In the same way that students
must respect their teachers, teachers must respect
the students’ time outside of the classroom. My
grandchild is in the fourth grade and often has
several hours of homework, several nights a week.
Shouldn’t the bulk of learning take place in the
classroom? Don’t we want our children to have some
time each day to spend with their families? Where
should our schools and teachers draw the line on
homework?
Read more...
Instill child with understanding of contingencies
May 20, 2008 12:00 PM
My
son is very passionate about basketball, and I
sometimes wonder if he places too much emphasis on
the sport. I support him and believe he is learning
many good life skills such as hard work and
dedication. Unfortunately, these qualities aren’t
transferring to other areas of his life. How can I
get him to put forth the same effort in school? He
would rather end up with poor grades than to miss a
single practice.Read
more...
Use summer wisely, but don't overload it
May 12, 2008 12:00 PM
Summer is fast
approaching, and now is the time to enroll students
in summer camps and enrichment programs. Last year, I
wanted to give my children an enjoyable summer, so I
signed them up for a smorgasbord of camps and other
activities. Halfway through the summer, my children
were burned out. I am considering cutting back this
year on some of their activities, but I don’t want to
leave anything out. Sports camps give them exercise,
while musical lessons expose them to the arts. I
would also like for them to be in a reading group at
the library, and our church has several summer
activities designed for kids. With so many great
activities, how do I know which programs are best for
my kids?Read
more...
Get child to understand, "Ownership" will follow
May 06, 2008 12:00 PM
My
daughter is a good student, but struggles with finals
every semester. Last year several of her semester
grades fell by a full letter because of poor exam
performance. I recently read your column about the
difference between learning and studying, and it
really rang true for me. It seems as if our schools
often focus on studying, instead of truly learning
the material at hand. Unfortunately, I feel my
daughter is probably merely studying for tests and
not truly learning the subject matter. There are only
a few weeks left before final exams, but is there
anything my daughter can do to make the best use of
the remaining time?Read
more...
Anaylize difficulties with new perspectives
April 29, 2008 12:00 PM
After several
years of home-schooling, we enrolled our eighth grade
son in a private school this year. Before attending
the new school, our son excelled in academics – he
started algebra in sixth grade and reads voraciously.
His verbal skills are extraordinarily developed, and
he converses with adults in ways that astound them.
His passions are physics and art and their combined
influence on architecture and inventions throughout
history. Unfortunately, this past year has been a
disaster. He has experienced difficulty with tests,
homework and deadlines, and as the year comes to a
close, he could end up failing the grade. What should
we do?Read
more...
Don't let pressure lead to ADHD drug abuse
April 22, 2008 12:00 PM
My
daughter is a junior in high school who is preparing
to take the ACT. She is an excellent student with a
3.75 grade point average, and she wants to apply for
early admission to college. Given this background,
you can imagine my surprise when she asked that I
take her to the doctor to get a prescription for ADHD
medication. I was blown away. She says many “smart”
parents have their children tested and diagnosed with
attention deficit disorders so the students have the
advantage of prescription medicine and un-timed
standardized tests. Is this really a trend in
education?Read
more...
Assessments should find gaps not hurdles
April 15, 2008 12:00 PM
My
son is a struggling learner who is experiencing
difficulties in school. I am a teacher who has raised
two other very bright children, but my youngest son
has proved to be my greatest challenge. He is
completely unmotivated to learn, rarely ever talking
in school. To make the situation even more
confounding, he is a "big talker" at home with a
vocabulary beyond his years. My son says that the
students don't talk about anything that interests
him. His teachers say, and he confirms, that he would
rather daydream. I think my son lacks motivation -
how can I inspire him to learn? Read
more...
Teach love first, all else will come
April 08, 2008 12:00 PM
My
11-year old daughter gets straight As in school and
receives high marks for conduct. She is a
perfectionist and obsessed with making the best
grades and being the best athlete. However, problems
arise when I ask to see her homework. She tells me to
leave her alone and gets so upset, even if I just
want to check it. She screams at me and is very
disrespectful. Do you think this is an issue, or am I
being an over-concerned parent?Read
more...
Keeping track of those grades before it's too late
April 01, 2008 12:00 PM
Our family has
just returned from a great Spring Break vacation, and
we loved being together. But when school starts back,
our relationships always become so strained. After
the break, my son’s teachers finally updated his
grades on the school’s website, and he had numerous
zeros for homework. Unfortunately, I don’t find out
about the zeros until he already has been labeled a
“C” student. He simply does not see the purpose of
the work. He says he will worry about it when he gets
to the ninth grade – “when it counts.” How can I help
to change his mind? Read
more...
A message to teach for Black History Month
January 29, 2008 12:00 PM
Having recently celebrated Dr. Martin Luther King Day
and soon Black History Month in February, I wish I
could find one aspect of King’s life to teach my
students for the entire month. We have many programs
at school, but the students don’t have a chance to
dig deeper to understand who this man really was and
how he changed the world. Our world still needs more
change, and one of these students could be the next
leader to influence this change. How can I, one
person, impact one classroom or one
child?Read
more...
How to teach responsibility to a first grader
January 22, 2008 12:00 PM
With the
beginning of the New Year, I want to introduce my
first-grade daughter to responsibility by giving her
a few chores around the house. I don’t want to give
her more than she can handle, but I see so many
people today who wait for others to clean up after
them. I don’t want my daughter to be one of these
people, and I want her to appreciate what she has
been given. I thought it might be good to use a
reward or punishment system. What would you
suggest? Read
more...
How to help your child look beyond the basics
January 08, 2008 12:00 PM
My
fifth grade daughter is a straight “A” student even
though she seems to be putting very little effort
into her schoolwork. I am concerned that she is not
challenged by her teachers or assignments. Her school
has never mentioned a gifted program, but I think
this could challenge her abilities and develop her
full potential. Should I ask about a gifted program?
Should I consider moving her to another school, one
that would be more challenging for her?
Read
more...
Responsibility: your child's most important skill
January 01, 2008 12:00 PM
My
son will take his final exams when he returns to
school after the Christmas break. Of course he has
not picked up a book during the holidays because his
teachers said they will give him a list of what the
tests will cover when school starts back. This is
madness – all this time has been wasted doing
nothing. I know resting is necessary, but pure
laziness is being taught by his teachers – not by me.
My son is learning the lesson well; he left his books
at school during the break. Our teachers are
encouraging this laziness, yet society says it is my
fault if my son fails. How did this happen to
parents? When did teachers start bringing up our
children, then giving them back to us crippled and
putting the blame on parents? Read
more...
