%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
Pre-School
Proper age for a child to enter kindergarten?
November 13, 2007 12:00 PM
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: My daughter just started kindergarten this year. She has a late August birthday, but seemed ready to begin school. I am concerned that because she is the youngest student in the class, she will have difficulties with her academic work. Her teacher says she is doing fine and that I shouldn’t worry. How can I tell if my child needs more time to mature? |
The Assessment: For many years, parents had the choice of enrolling their children with late summer or fall birthdays in kindergarten when they were five years old or waiting an additional year. The current trend in education is to require children to be enrolled in kindergarten if they turn five years old prior to the first day of October (or another specified date).
Whether parents have the choice or follow a school mandate, they often aren’t sure if their student is prepared for school life. Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. Some students are ready at a younger age, while some benefit from the additional year of growth.
When assessing your child’s level of maturity, it is important to consider mental, physical and social development. A child’s cognitive development could be advanced, but that doesn’t mean social and emotional skills have reached the necessary levels. I recently worked with a student struggling with a similar situation. Though the child had a late summer birth date, he wanted to begin school, and his parents acquiesced.
Through elementary and middle school, he did exceptionally well. He made straight A’s and excelled in football, basketball and baseball. Despite this success, his social skills were underdeveloped, his relationships were problematic, and he developed self-esteem issues. After counseling with the parents and the child, a joint decision was made to home-school the child for a year following the eighth grade. During this time, the student was encouraged to explore his own ideas and opinions within the assignments and home-school curriculum. The child blossomed, and the next year, he began high school as a freshman. The student continued to excel in both academics and athletics, but he became self-confident as well, serving on the student counsel and embracing a circle of friends.
What To Do: Your child may or may not experience difficulties fitting into a world full of older children, but you should approach the situation from two distinct perspectives. First, don’t focus solely on your child’s academic performance. Consider your child’s entire well-being – her emotional, social and physical growth is just as important as academic ability.
Second, look to the future, especially to times of growth during pre-teen years and in high school. Imagine her throughout her entire academic tenure. What will happen when other children are held back and the age gap widens? What will you do when your 14-year-old freshman wants the privileges of a 16-year-old classmate who just received a car?
It is essential to stay close to your child, especially during those periods of great change. Openly discuss with your daughter that she is young for her grade, and that at some point, she may need an extra year to grow. If you ever have to make this decision, don’t feel that you have waited too late. Some students can benefit from an extra year of growth later in school – even after high school – to help them succeed in the future. If you consider giving your child more time to grow, openly communicate with your daughter so she knows this is an age issue and not a reflection of her abilities. When approaching this decision, an honest approach with your child and yourself will allow both of you to be confident in your ultimate choice.
<<Previous page
A reader takes issue with some day-care advice
July 19, 2007 12:00 PM
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: I've never
written to a columnist like you before, but I was
struck by how absurd your advice was in a recent
response about helping a child transition from
day care. In the column, you wrote:
Start by taking an alarm clock or timer to day care and setting it 20 minutes before you plan to pick up your child. Insist that your child-care staff carry through with the timer to help your child's transition from playing with friends to getting ready for mom or dad. Is this advice for real? If so, it is the worst professional advice I've ever read. I can't think of a more impractical solution at a day care center or summer camp. Do you have such little regard for child-care workers to think that they have nothing better to worry about?<</span>/td> |
The Assessment: Before we delve into the answer, we must first look at why parents take their children to day care. Here are some of the reasons I’ve heard over the years:
Even though I need to work, I want my child to be cared for by someone that will look out for her well-being.
I work nights and am finishing my degree during the day. I need time to sleep and study so I can give my family a better life.
I take care of elderly parents and their affairs.
Anybody care to write in a few thousand more here?
Unfortunately for our children, many so-called “day care” facilities focus more on the day than they do on the care. Many are little more than wholesale babysitting warehouses, uninterested in the child’s quality of care. Concerns of “quelling the end-of-the-day whining” are even further down the list.
What To Do: Understand that in many cases the term “day care” is a misnomer. Focus should be on the children and the care provided to them. I advocate a national ban on the term “day care.” Why can’t we have “caring centers” instead?
But hope is not lost. Fortunately, times have changed, and many child-care facilities have improved. These child-first organizations can be a boon for child development. Research supports that positive learning experiences at a young age not only helps children respond better to school, but also teaches them to do this with desire, joy and motivation.
Here are several ways these “caring centers” can make a difference:
- Every employee would be held accountable for a caring spirit in all they do with the children.
- Each child could ask their Care Nanny for help, knowing it will be provided with a caring solution. With this example, our children would learn to solve their issues with caring rather than screaming, crying, loneliness, punishment or whining.
- Our children would learn through modeling and direct instruction the joy and rewards of caring for others, including their parents.
- Our children would take home their caring ways. They would understand that turning off the TV and taking a bath on time is a way they show their parents caring so they can have time together later.
There is not enough room in this column to express the advantages of “caring centers” for both children and their parents. The core philosophy of these centers would put the children’s needs first. Setting an alarm to prepare children for their parents’ arrival is only one example of a “caring act” these facilities could provide. When we put the focus on the child, instead of the child-care provider, these extra amenities don’t seem outrageous at all.
<<Previous page
Childhood and its many definitions
April 19, 2007 12:00 PM
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: I am
retired, but keep on the volunteer list at our
local school board. I am keenly interested in
education, and have to say that it is hard to
ignore the problems in our country in the
education sector.
One thing that has always bothered me is the increasing tendency to refer to a child or children as "kid" or "kids." I grew up on a farm and we had many kids in the pasture...please help us get on the right track. |
The Assessment: Seeking an umbrella term for children of all ages, I acknowledge using the word "kid" to excess.
It is easy to use a word that has an immediate identity ranging from a tiny preschooler to a strapping high-school athlete.
I do not believe we can get on the right track with our terminology until we answer one basic question: What do we mean by the term, "childhood?"
Our country has become ambivalent about childhood, as if no one knows who a child is anymore.
I am amazed at how many daughters dress like their mothers and how many boys look as if they were interns at their fathers’ law firms. On the other extreme, some girls dress as if they have forgotten to take off their pajamas, and boys are cloaked like tramps.
I have come to realize that children in the second group are being given the "opportunity" to assert their "individuality" with the freedom to "express their inner selves."
Either way, through rigid dress code or experimentation, children are allowed to experience the freedom of adulthood without the responsibility that goes with such freedom.
And there are other signals. I remember calling one school to inquire about placement for a child and asking about any special difficulties the administration had witnessed among the students.
"Only with dating," I was told. "When some of the girls don’t get asked out, they get hurt."
Quickly apologizing for not making myself clear, I specified that I was talking about a fourth-grader. So was the school representative!
While speaking to parents at a local high school years ago, I introduced a concept I call the "Swiss Cheese Kid."
During the question and answer period that followed, a father asked me, "Why do you use the term ‘kid’?" My answer: "If I referred to your high-school son or daughter as a child, you might not think I was talking to you."
Unfortunately, I have adopted the use of the term "kid" because too many adults today refuse to see children as children – and I use that term to include preschools through older teens.
Many adults have bought into the notion that our little ones must be treated as if they were older, and our older ones must be given privileges without responsibility as if they were younger.
What To Do: As a society, we must decide who are the children – and who are the parents. When a father of a third-grader asks me, "Just when will he take full responsibility for himself?" I always answer, "When he pays his own rent!"
It is the parents’ role to give each child guidance, and to give each child a childhood.
<<Previous page
A look at how to choose your battles
March 01, 2007 12:00 PM
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: My life is a constant struggle with my pre-school son. He seems to test me at every turn. I understand he is exploring his boundaries, but the clashes are wearing me out, and we haven’t even started "real" school yet! How do I pick my battles? |
The Assessment: As parents, our duty is to instill in our children a sense of values – the things that are not open to negotiation. This can range from telling our 3-year-old not to cross the street to teaching a 9-year-old the importance of honesty.
Whenever parents introduce a new set of values or rules, children will naturally try to test them. This is when parents must know when to "pick their battles." If a battle is important and the child continues to put up a fight, parents need to ask themselves who is stronger and find effective strategies to remedy the situation. These remedies require parental creativity, as well as patience and stamina.
As our children grow, and their values system expands, we can begin to introduce elements in life that are open to negotiation. Then as the children mature into adults, they are ready to make their own choices and pick their own battles.
What we must recognize is that a parent-to-child relationship is distinctly different from an adult-to-adult relationship. Yes, each interaction should be based on mutual respect, but a parent-to-child relationship demands more. As parents, we must balance responsibility, love and respect for our children without giving up the rights and duties of parenthood.
What To Do: To avoid continuous confrontations, parents need to determine what family rules and values are non-negotiable. These are rules that, when broken, lead to unnecessary arguments, hurt feelings, and a sense of lack of control. Once you have determined them, discuss with your child the difference between negotiable and non-negotiable rules.
For example, one of my friends had a rule about breakfast cereals – no marshmallows or sugar-coated cereal in the morning. But while grocery shopping one day, her child asked, "If we can eat a chocolate doughnut for breakfast, why not marshmallow cereals?" The parent could have replied, "Because I said so," but instead she praised the child’s logic and promised that she and her husband would review the rule. In this family, choosing a breakfast cereal was negotiable; brushing teeth every morning was not.
Instructing your child on the difference between negotiable and non-negotiable rules can help you to choose your battles, and can help your son prepare for his own choices as he enters "real" school and beyond.
<<Previous page
Finding an alternative solution is often the answer
January 11, 2007 12:00 PM
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: My daughter is in preschool, or what many call 4-year-old kindergarten. I was called for a conference with her teacher. You can imagine my surprise and dismay when I was told that my daughter wasn’t keeping up with the other children. The main problem is that she is not drawing circles and squares yet. Her teacher suggested I consider having her tested for attention deficit disorder. She thinks that if she has it, it will be important to find this out early. Do you agree? |
The Assessment: Today’s hurried society tells us to do more and do it sooner, which for many has been translated into finding potential disabilities as early as possible. Although early intervention might be a worthy goal in some cases, it is not a one-size-fits-all solution, and we must be careful to give our children the time to grow and develop within normal ranges.
Development is not an event. It is a long-term process that we cannot hurry and we cannot measure with a yardstick. Developmental checklists might give the opposite impression. Yes, there is a specific time by which all children should – but not necessarily must – know how to do the same thing. Different children will get there at different times.
When my son was in preschool, his teachers had long lists with developmental expectations, including one that I particularly dreaded for my son: "Can tie his shoes." I knew that I still had to tie his shoes for him, and at first was apprehensive in anticipation of his "failure" in this category. Then one day I looked at his tiny hands and wondered if this was a battle that I wanted to fight. I believed the day would come when his little hands had grown as much as his desire to tie his shoes.
As I read all the "expert" opinions and weighed them against my son’s developmental readiness, I came up with what I call "The Velcro-Kid Theory:" When children are not ready to learn something because they need more developmental time and are still within normal ranges, find another solution. Mine was to buy my son tennis shoes with Velcro flaps until one day he came to me and said, "Mama, I want to learn to tie shoes."
Different children will reach developmental milestones at different times. As parents, we must watch to see when help might be needed, but we must give our children the time to develop on their own.
What To Do: If your child has developed in other areas and is lacking in one particular skill, ask your self whether you believe additional development time is needed. If so, you might have a Velcro kid – one who needs a different solution while you give her the time to grow.
In this case, buy a stencil that has a circle and a square. When other children are drawing their shapes freehand, your child will use her stencil. She can then learn exactly what she is expected to do, but can rely on the stencil. In time, her little hands will likely begin to draw her own circles and squares.
In preschool, a few months’ difference in birthdates can mean a wide difference in developmental readiness. But the need for extra developmental time does not stop there. In higher grades, children might still need alternate solutions, such as using a calculator until their math facts are automatic, or using a pencil instead of a pen until their fine motor skills have developed.
Some have suggested that these alternate strategies are not fair to the other children. I agree: they should not be implemented for children who do not need this kind of solution. But chances are, at some point the "other children" will need alternate strategies of their own.
<<Previous page
