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All Levels
Balancing character between school and home
December 25, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: I hear a lot about character education in schools, and I am sometimes offended because I believe character education is my job. Then there are moments when I see my own child shy away from situations that he should stand up to, or I see him refuse to do something because he thinks the teacher won’t like it. What should I do? I want my son to stand up for what he believes in. How do schools define character education, and how can I teach character to my son? |
The Assessment: When we meet people, regardless of how open-minded we want to be, our human reaction is to judge them. Although we cannot confirm someone’s character with just one encounter, our perception of someone’s character begins at that first meeting. Our first impression – right or wrong – prevails until proven otherwise.
We view people according to their words and actions. This overt personality that the world sees ultimately becomes someone’s reputation. But reputation is simply what others think about you. Your character is who you truly are when no one else is around.
The Merriam-Webster On-Line Dictionary defines character as:
When we talk about character education in schools, most people are referring to the third definition, the “moral excellence and firmness,” that we want our children to have. We want them to develop an internal infrastructure to make decisions concurrent to their moral beliefs – an infrastructure so strong that there is no negotiation with their moral convictions. Character is the unwavering drive to choose what is right, even when that choice could cause you difficulties.
What To Do: I am not sure how schools should teach this. There are many curriculums available to schools and churches to teach “character.” But character education often begins in the home – sometimes through a concerted effort to teach it, but often by the example parents set through their daily lives. We may not have time to sit with our children and give them a lesson each day on courage, truthfulness, bigotry, tenacity or dependability. However, by teaching the right lessons and following those lessons ourselves, our children develop character for success in life.
With my own son, I began by emphasizing conviction, because a moral value or virtue held without conviction is useless and hypocritical. I have a life rule that I try to live by, and I have taught it to my son as well as my students: “You can do what is simple, what is quick, what is convenient, or what is right.” Whenever faced with a situation that calls your conviction into question, there is only one answer: Do what is right!
It doesn’t matter if it hurts, if you don’t get your way, or if you lose a friend – you must follow your conviction. Character has nothing to do with what others may think; it has to do with what you believe. Others may ridicule you, insult you, or even attempt to harm you because of your convictions. But living firmly grounded in your convictions, while honoring the dignity of others, is the beginning of a strong character. Our lives are distilled by the sum of our choices, and conviction/character means making the right choices even at the most difficult times.
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How to enjoy your journey through the holidays
December 18, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: As the holidays approach, I feel relief for the peaceful (without school) time I will have with my family, but also despair because of all of the entertaining, cooking, dirty dishes, decorating, buying, etc. I feel schizophrenic -- happy and sad at the same time. What am I teaching my children? |
The Assessment: Being a parent is the most difficult task a person can have. When I became a "Mama," I learned to love unconditionally, and that unconditional love can be joyous and painful at the same time. You want your child to be happy and never hurt. But in real life, that isn't possible. The danger is that when you obsessively try to make sure your child is never unhappy, you teach your child to be afraid instead of finding the joy of now and in the moment.
Marketers know only too well how much we love our children and families -- and they capitalize on it by convincing us that we must produce "A Holiday Wonderland."
We have been made to feel ashamed if we don't do everything to perfection -- without help, and with a smile on our faces.
What To Do: There is nothing wrong with the holidays. There is something wrong with us who are so worried about making them perfect that we miss the joy of the moment amidst all the preparation.
Cut your to-do list until it is truly doable. You're not required to be "Super Mom." It is so much better to have your child remember Happy Mom.
If making three pies is stressing you, make one. Or have your guests and family join in and cook together. If the house is dirty, it will be dirtier afterwards.
Don't stress about the perfect house, either. Clean up the visible mess, and if someone's offended, don't worry about it. They don't need to come back next year, or if they do, they could be the very person you call next time for help.
Holidays are supposed to be the time when families and friends come together to create the greatest gift of all -- memories of love through togetherness.
Get rid of the fear of the preparation for the holiday, and the pressure of trying to make it perfect. Instead, enjoy the journey, and teach your child the message of unconditional togetherness and love. There is never a better time to enjoy the journey.
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Remember to focus on life's 'golf balls'
November 20, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: I thought
some of your readers would benefit from the
following story sent to me by a reader called
“The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee.”
A professor stood before his philosophy class with some items on the table. When the class began, he silently picked up an empty mayonnaise jar and filled it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar, filling the open areas between the golf balls. The students again agreed it was full. The professor next poured a box of sand into the jar’s remaining space. He asked once more if the jar was full, and the students responded with a unanimous "yes." He then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured their entire contents into the jar. "This jar represents your life,” the professor said. “The golf balls are the important things – your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else – the small stuff.” “If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls,” he continued. “The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.” One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. "I'm glad you asked,” the professor said. “It just goes to show that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a cup of coffee with a friend." |
The Assessment: I was once asked to speak at a Wednesday night church service, and that night I explained how parents could find something I call the “Seventh Sense®.” This is the innate knowledge that God writes on our hearts, telling us how to live our lives regardless of society’s standards. I told the group how my Seventh Sense® led me to unique ideas as I for raised my son. I was following the instructions God did send with him. When he was young, I made time for us to play together every night, and neither homework nor a specified bedtime could get in the way. This was due a non-negotiable belief in our home, along with the emphasis on developing a family spiritual community.
As the church members followed the steps I directed them through they began to discover their own, unique, individual Seventh Sense®, it was amazing to watch the parents suddenly realize how their previous rules were not about the “golf balls.” They had been focusing on the pebbles! Leaving that night, I met the Assistant Reverend of the church. She apologized for missing the talk but explained she had been at home, making sure that her daughter finished her homework. “I stayed home so she will understand that school is her first priority,” she said. Unfortunately, spending time with her family and her spiritual community was the golf ball – yet a pebble came first.
What To Do: Soon, everyone in this country will celebrate Thanksgiving according to their family’s traditions. In many homes, this includes a prayer of thanks for the blessings received during the past year. But this Thanksgiving my prayer will include something else. I will pray that more parents will help their children realize life’s priorities by taking time to realize the important things themselves. Children watch and listen to their parents more than we imagine – they learn from our example. Thanksgiving is a time to remember what is important in life, not only during the third week of November, but for each and every day of our lives.
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How to incorporate technology into school projects
September 27, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: My
daughter is in the eleventh grade and is a good
student, but she's always had a hard time with
projects. Stated more accurately, we -- her
parents -- have a problem with projects for
several reasons.
First, these projects often do not reflect "real world" values. These projects often place more emphasis on "artistic" presentation than on excellent information. My husband and I are both physicians, and clear, pointed analysis is a necessity in our work. Brevity is important and appreciated in most workplaces, and concise information is a valuable asset in a fast-paced world. When will schools teach that to our children? Second, technology is used everywhere around us, except, it seems, in the classroom. Why do teachers insist that students use those stupid three-sided boards? Technology allows our children to do much more, and students will be expected to do just that when they enter the "real world." How many three-sided boards are used in corporate meetings or at industry symposiums? If I have to buy one more three-sided board for a school project, I am going to consider home-schooling. |
The Assessment: There is a big difference between the technology mandated for success in the real world and the technology available at schools. Technology is vital to the learning process because it is an extension of the human senses. With binoculars and microscopes we see at distances the unassisted human eye cannot reach. With the internet we cross the globe and communicate within seconds. Our voice could never carry that far, and a letter could never be delivered as fast. With an iPod your child can absorb 20 books during a semester in her free time, while she only reads a few books each semester in school. Physicians know that MRIs and PET scans are needed to truly diagnose some patients. Doctors cannot see inside their patients, but technology can. Unfortunately, some of the more "advanced" schools pride themselves on giving each child a computer while still using textbooks. That is true irony.
What To Do: You are not a dinosaur, and you are unwilling to educate your daughter using antiquated technology such as three-sided boards, colored pencils and aluminum foil. Take charge of your daughter's education and let her teachers know that when it comes to projects, your child will use the technology of her era.
For an example, take the visual and audio technology of a video recorder. I communicated with Katy Gaenicke of the Sony Company, and she provided several ideas, some of which are incorporated in this list:
• "Instead of bringing in an object for "show and tell," younger students could videotape something they find interesting in their neighborhood, city or nearby park. They could then present their footage to the class " and from this they could establish hypotheses in architecture, science, history and math for further exploration.
• "Students could bring a camcorder on school-sponsored field trips to capture unique activities throughout the year."
• "A class could create a video history book of their city by interviewing historians and older residents and then editing the footage together." As a final exam, they could compare their video with written accounts from five historians.
• "Memories captured on DVD are great additions to annual yearbooks."
As parents we must admit we are preparing our children for a world whose knowledge to date will be obsolete by the time they graduate from college. Do you really want to continue having your children educated the dinosaur way?
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Don't measure 'Gifted' students only by grades, scores
September 20, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: As the parent of a "gifted" seventh grader, I wanted to respond to the advice you offered recently in your column. You responded to a parent whose child was considered "gifted" according to standardized tests, but teachers refused admission to the accelerated program due to the student's insufficient grades. While I agree that placement in a "gifted" program will not make or break a child's academic career, it is troubling that teachers would deny entry to the program solely on the basis of past grades. Regardless of intelligence, it is a sad reflection of our educational system when schools "give up" on students who aren't "gifted" according to traditional guidelines and grades. |
The Assessment: In that column, I addressed the parents' concern that the child was underachieving because I felt that was the primary issue. However, it is a very sad reflection of our educational society, as well as society in general, when our schools "give up" on our children. Perhaps the problem lies with the concept and existence of a "gifted" program. While there are many exceptional teaching practices occurring in "gifted programs" across the nation, I am concerned that such labeling has a negative impact on children. What label do we place on children who do not fit the criteria -- is there an antonym for "gifted?" Would it be ungifted, mediocre or deficient? It is inconceivable to me that our society still believes that giftedness can be measured by test scores or grades.
Though practices vary widely, students usually qualify for "gifted" programs based on their standardized tests scores, grades, and the recommendations of teachers. This is problematic, not only because the various measures may disagree, but also because of the qualifying measures themselves.
Standardized achievement tests assess what the child has learned. This is helpful to evaluate the child's strengths and weaknesses, but these tests do not reflect the child's ability to learn, process and analyze new information. Furthermore, these test scores are affected by numerous factors which can skew the results. In addition to flawed testing strategies, teacher recommendations are very subjective and are often the synthesis of test scores and classroom grades. These traditional indicators often overlook potential, creativity and other important factors.
What To Do: As a society, we must begin to realize that gifts are not singular, especially not in the academic arena. Educators and parents should allow all students to benefit from the teaching innovations of "gifted" programs. These programs are generally more creative and challenge students to explore learning in new and innovative ways.
Unfortunately, only students who perform well under traditional teaching methods are placed in these programs. Could it be that students who do not perform well under traditional educational methods would actually benefit the most from gifted program strategies?
As parents, we must make sure each of our children know they are "gifted," and we must help them find the gifts that make them unique. The desire to learn, to think, to create, and to affect change must be instilled in all students. No parent should ever rely solely on the educational system to provide that desire. Parents must help their children find personal gifts to affect positive change in our world.
When we label some children as "gifted," we imply that other children are not. The educational system should take responsibility for the unspoken disaster of telling so many children they are simply not good enough. But parents are just as responsible as the school when they say nothing and allow this to continue. All children have gifts, and it is the job of teachers and parents to encourage students to find their special talents and abilities.
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How to teach your child time management skills
September 06, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: Your article suggesting that parents use a timer to teach kids how long tasks take was very helpful, and I would like to try this with my 5th grade son. I especially like the idea of keeping a log to show the difference between the child's estimate and the actual time it takes to do a task. However, my child always underestimates how long things will take. What would you suggest when the task takes longer than his estimate? How would you record this on the log? |
The Assessment: When a child underestimates the time it takes to finish a task, the use of a timer is even more important. If a child convinces himself that he has plenty of time, the result will be procrastination and denial. Unaware of his actions, he will constantly wait to the last minute to complete assignments and for test preparation. Your child's future growth and development depends on his ability to gauge his own working capacity.
Many students simply have no idea how to estimate the time they personally need to complete school assignments. As with too many learning strategies, the concept of knowing your own working capacity is rarely "taught." Instead, some students develop this skill "naturally" through trial and error. Unfortunately, this is not an effective and efficient way of developing a process that must become intuitive in the long-term.
A greater problem is that children often only take into consideration the quantity of time needed to complete an assignment. But the time needed to complete quality work is more important. All assignments are not equal. The amount of time required to complete different tasks varies greatly depending on the nature, importance to know rather than just recall or know, difficulty and importance the teacher will give each task.
What To Do: Have your child list the assignments for the night, then evaluate the nature of each assignment. If the assignment is a rote task (copying spelling words or answering multiplication facts), it may not require as much time or concentration. If the assignment involves practicing a new concept, consideration must be given to the child's competency in that subject. These assignments may require more time and concentration to complete. If the assignment requires the child to create something new and completely his own (a poster, poem or book report), then set aside more time for the creative process of thinking and planning and not just doing.
Once the tasks have been properly evaluated, you and your child should determine the order of completion. The more concentration required to complete the task, the fresher the child must be. Thinking, learning and creative tasks must be completed when the child is the most fresh. Depending on the child, this could be directly after school, or it could be after the child relaxes and recuperates from soccer practice.
The tasks should be completed with a digital timer inn front of the child. Should the child underestimate the time, have him/her reset it and continue to do until complete. Now, your child has a realistic view of their current working capacity. Your child should be able to view time involved, but the assignment should not become a race.
Using a timer has several benefits. It teaches the student to recognize how long assignments take to complete. By adding time management to his learning tools he will be able to remain focused over an extended time period with effectiveness and efficiency.
Finally, a log should be kept to show your child where more or less time should be allotted in the future. Do not be surprised when tasks eventually begin to take less time. This will occur as your child begins to better understand the concept of time and focus, based on his control of his unique personal working capacity.
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Upgrade old myths to protect children
August 21, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: Each new school year is often a time of excitement for students and their families, but for me, it is a time of sadness and despair. Five years ago, our sweet daughter kissed me goodbye and went to school. Later that morning, I received a call from her school with a recorded message that said my child was not in school. I knew it had to be a mistake, but I was wrong. Since her disappearance, I relive the moment when she left for school each and every day. I feel her kiss as I said, “Be careful and I love you.” What was I thinking? What does “be careful” mean to a fifth grader? Please help parents realize they can do so much to avoid my agony. I never thought this could happen to me. |
The Assessment: When parents see a danger or problem in their child’s life, they are quick to react. Complacency is rarely an issue for most parents. Yet parents often deny and overlook the dangers in their children’s lives. As parents, we often think “That will never happen to me.” Denial allows us to move on, but things happen close to home each day. A son dies in a car accident, or daughter never makes it to school. Sometimes we know the family, and we might offer prayers, take food or go to the funeral – but we quickly return to our daily routine.
What we don’t understand is this: it could happen to us at any time. Why? Predators or unfortunate circumstances strike randomly. According to the FBI’s National Crime Information Center (NCIC)
85% to 90% of the 876,213 persons reported missing to America’s law enforcement agencies in 2000 were juveniles (persons under 18 years of age). That means that 2,100 times per day parents or primary care givers felt the disappearance was serious enough to call law enforcement.
The number of missing persons reported to law enforcement increased from 154,341 in 1982 to 876,213 in 2000. That’s an increase of 468%.
Parents who have lost their children are screaming out to the rest of us to do what we have to do to prevent our children from being the next victims.
What To Do: The internet has a wealth of information to educate parents and help protect their children. In a partnership study by The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and Duracell batteries, surveys showed that well-intentioned parents are still relying on old myths to instruct their children on how not to be abducted. Their study, available at www.powerofparentsonline.com, has a two-pronged message: what parents must do and what children must know. The site reminds parents of simple things they should do, such as keeping updated photos (every six months) of their children.
The website also has a Safety IQ test for parents, and there is a book, The Great Tomato Adventure, to help parents of younger children. It explains how people we know – as well as strangers – may approach children, and it offers precise guidance as to how children should respond.
Another helpful online resource is the Polly Klass Foundation website (www.pollyklaas.org). Founded by Marc Klass whose 12-year-old daughter Polly was kidnapped and murdered in 1994, the foundation provides parents with resources to help protect their children.
The best prevention is education. Be a parent who uses smart information for smart decisions to keep your child safe. This is an easy choice. All it takes is to give up your denial and begin to say, “It could happen to me.”
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Help child rise above 'minimum standards'
August 07, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: The public
school system in my city offers a program called
“School Choice.” The program gives parents the
choice to send their children to a school with
higher standards and proven achievement, if the
school in their district does not meet minimum
achievement test scores. The school in my
district doesn’t meet minimum standards, and it
has a longer way to go to meet my standards. I am
a single mother with my own business as a nail
technician. Because of my personal high
standards, I broke the cycle of poverty in my
life – but I am not finished yet. I am determined
to give my children the education they need to go
to college and take my success to the next level.
I applied to a school through the “School Choice” program, only to find out that my daughter is 69th on the list. Her chances of getting in are slim. The only way to improve our children’s education is by making every school achieve the same high standards. Could you give encouragement to parents like me who face similar circumstances across the country? |
The Assessment: No statement amazes me more than that used most by school administrators, teachers, journalists and politicians. We are often told the problem in education is that “Parents don’t care” or that students fail for “Lack of parental involvement.” Those are the biggest lies fed to constituencies. Let’s get real. Parents, grandparents and students all care – that is the reason I get letters from people like you every week. It is amazing to think of what could happen in this country if educational programs were designed with the assumption that the majority of stakeholders in education (parents and children) actually care. I know all about the exceptions, but to use them as an excuse to not give equal, quality education to all children is a disgrace. Take “No Child Left Behind” as an example. It requires each state to set minimum standards for our children. Cute. What happened to their maximum potential?
What To Do: I would advise you to look at private schools in your community. Many churches have schools with tuition based on a sliding scale, and some offer other financial assistance. It will challenge your budget, but view it as an investment that will pay off with a lifetime of dividends. Perhaps your daughter could attend a private school until she gets enrolled in the public school of your choice. Giving your child the best foundation before high school will assure that she has what it takes to comprehend, learn and create her own ideas and conclusions in a changing world. This will be important for her future.
If you have any doubts, remember this: “Today’s learners (this means your children) will have 10 to 14 jobs by the time they are 38.” (http://thefischbowl.blogspot.com) Most jobs that exist right now will not exist by the time your child finishes school. Jobs and technology constantly change. But most importantly, your child is developing the basic skills she must have to be successful for the future.
However, much of the school curriculum (content) she learns will be obsolete by the time she graduates from high school. The world will expect her to think and create new knowledge which a changing world will demand from her to be successful. Everyone doesn’t have the choice of enrolling their children in private schools. Yet if you are able to do it, even for one year, it may be the very thing that offers your daughter a successful future.
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Survive the end of summer
July 13, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: My kids are driving me crazy. How am I going to make it until school starts? |
The Assessment: With one month of summer down and one to go, July becomes the buffer month between total freedom and the last chance to enjoy summer.
For many parents, July brings a sort of "midsummer crisis." There is anxiety about all that must be done. There is fatigue from all that has been accomplished. And there is pain for what we wish we could do but cannot.
As with any crisis, July brings on exaggerated emotions – intense frustration, hurt and guilt. Parents must first recognize this very human fact before trying to defuse the situation.
As emotions become more explosive, so do parents’ actions and reactions. It gets harder to remain calm in the middle of a tantrum. It gets harder to deal with a child who wants an explanation for "no," or constantly replies, "It’s not fair!"
So when rational parents become totally irrational during the midsummer crisis, what can we do?
What To Do: First, recognize that these are legitimate emotions – you have a right to them. Do not hold them inside but deal with them constructively without causing yourself or your child additional pain.
There is nothing wrong with telling a child, "I will not give you an answer right now because I am angry. You will have to wait." Then give yourself time out – go in a quiet room, take a bath, read a book – and deliver the response later, when you have calmed down.
Summer crisis can lead you to punishments that, in calmer times, you might not mete out. When you exaggerate a punishment – and many parents do – you need to be able to look back and be willing to amend the punishment appropriately. Many parents say, "But I can’t change my mind. My child won’t respect me if I do." Yet, how can a parent get respect from child when a punishment causes unnecessary hurt? You cannot fuse hurt with respect.
Take a cue from India’s legendary leader Mohandas Gandhi. During an interview, a bystander interrupted Gandhi’s response to a question by shouting, "Once you said this, then later you said another thing, and now you say something totally different. Which is correct?" Gandhi replied without hesitation, "The last one. I am smarter now."
Show your children how decisions are made, experienced and changed, not out of weakness, but out of strength.
You cannot control your emotions all the time, but working through them can teach you how to deal calmly and intelligently with summer crises – and hassle-free homework later on.
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Ease the way into 'middle-aged' childhood
June 21, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: As working parents, my husband and I feel we have no choice but to leave our 13-year-old daughter home alone this summer. I have scheduled her for a few activities, but have not found much that is both affordable and appropriate for her age. We are afraid of everything we hear in the news. What do parents do when we feel forced to leave a child at home alone? |
The Assessment: Parents today are being steadily pulled and pushed toward parenting with fear.
Fear for our children’s safety and wellbeing is a strong pull. We constantly hear the "failure" of other families – teen pregnancy, drugs, drinking and failure in school – and we want to protect our children from these threats to their future.
In addition, we are pushed by the fear of "warning signs" to watch for in our children’s behavior: Is the child moody or unhappy? Does she avoid you? Are grades slipping? Implicit in this type of checklist is the fear that, unless we act now, our children might some day be added to the list of failures.
Of course, society has given us some good reasons to be cautious, if not outright fearful.
Children today have an early exposure to knowledge of the adult realm, and we must remain watchful. But in doing so, we risk falling into the trap of parenting with fear rather than parenting with trust.
Parenting with fear means holding on to past methods rather than transitioning to new ways as the child transitions to increased independence. Parenting with trust – not blind trust – means that we must exhibit and teach mutual trust and responsibility. This gives our children the chance to make decisions without constantly being under our watchful eye.
Having to leave a child at home alone does create a feeling of sadness when we have spent so many years watching and knowing all that the child does. But as the child enters "middle-aged" childhood, we must also move into a middle stage of parenting – not holding on quite as much, yet not letting go completely.
What To Do: Sit with your child and together make a list of all the things you fear would produce pain in her life. Then let her know that rather than fear these and treat her with mistrust, together you will make sure she learns the rules of trust.
Make a list of the characteristics you will focus on in this first summer of learning about independence with responsibility. Also let her know that these will be the same skills that can help her avoid future pain. Some of the characteristics might be honesty, trust, perseverance and constancy.
Talk about these terms and find examples from the past when your child demonstrated these qualities under your supervision. Help her see that she has already been successful.
Then help her set up explicit tasks that she will carry out to demonstrate that she is capable of continuing her success without your watchful eye. For example:
Honesty: I will only leave home with permission.
Trust: When I ask permission to do something, I will present both the pros and cons of the situation and my reasonings. Then I will trust my parents to make a decision they feel is in my best interests.
Perseverance: I will finish all responsibilities no matter how hard they seem or how tired I feel or how much I do not want to do them.
Constancy: I will do all of these and not have to fear surprises.
In the evening when you come home from work, reinforce your child’s successes by using these words. For example, "You finished vacuuming the house – that’s perseverance."
Parenting with fear combined with parenting from a distance is not the type of guidance our children need. Parenting with trust puts you back where you have always been and where your child needs you – in charge!
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Teach your child to explore in modest ways
June 14, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: I am a single parent of two children. I work hard at two jobs, but my income is still below what they call the "poverty line" for a family of three. We are making it, but a lot of the kids my children know from school are taking great vacations or going away to summer camp. My kids have to stay at home while I work. This hurts them and it hurts me more. Is there any way to make up for what I cannot give them? |
The Assessment: Summer can be a time of plenty, but this just adds to the pain of the many families who cannot afford to give their children all the special activities, trips and fun they desire.
Some parents choose to say "no" to their children’s requests to teach children that they "can’t have everything." Holding the line on affluence is good, but it is planets away from the earthly reality many families face.
The children who are left out by birth or circumstance – not choice – cannot say, "my parents won’t let me have..." In a society that uses material wealth as a measure of success and acceptance, these children can easily spend too much time feeling hurt and rejected.
As other parents pay for plane trips, amusement parks or movies, their children explore life as given to them. But parents who cannot afford to pay for these activities have the opportunity to give their children life as they create it. Like the chicken-or-the-egg philosophy, this challenges the way we see the universe: Which comes first, the universe outside of us or the universe within?
Parents might not be able to take away a child’s hurt, but they can balance that pain by offering their children the chance to explore their own universe – the universe within.
What To Do: There are many ways to explore that universe by stimulating imagination and creativity.
As a child, I found my universe in the library. In this playground of my childhood, I learned to use books as a ticket to my own imagination. One book told of mountains, another of France, another of oceans. Once the direction was clear, the book had served its purpose; my imagination went on as I "daydreamed" through the stories. I climbed mountains, I built bridges, I fought wars and found peace.
In the library, there are no socio-economic differences. In the library, all you need is your mind – and all minds are of equal value. All minds are a ticket to the universe within.
Public parks and playgrounds can also be a place of exploration. A swing becomes a rocket ship. A jungle gym becomes the tallest mountain. In stimulating the universe within, encourage your children to go beyond reality and imagine what might be.
Give your children the opportunity to create. You cannot take away the feeling of material deprivation, but in the long run, you might give them the richness of a future in which they can make a difference.
All lives have treasures, but it is up to us to find them. I believe the resourcefulness required by "poverty" is an opportunity to explore inner abundance – a wealth we can never be deprived of. For each "no" for material things you must say to your children, follow up with a "yes" to their imagination.
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Think 'learning' instead of 'schooling' this summer
June 07, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: My son is a good student but has always had to work hard for what he gets. I am torn between letting him have a fun summer or enrolling him in an educational program. It would only be a couple of hours a week and I feel this could give him the head start he needs to do even better in school. My child is against it. He wants to play. What should I do? |
The Assessment: "Do better in school."
A marketing agency once suggested I use this as a slogan. It captured every parent’s dream for their child’s success in school – good feelings, the need for immediate gratification. I rejected the slogan for all these reasons. They are the goals of consumers rather than producers.
As parents, we must help produce in our children a vision that extends beyond the intermediate goal of school and goes to a greater goal – that our children do their best in life. As we are bombarded with summer "enrichment opportunities," we must remain focused on that greater goal and ask whether a summer of schooling will really help our child succeed in life.
I use the term "schooling" with great care. Schooling is a rigid, hierarchical system, when a student’s permission for movement is determined by a clock or a bell. Our children are schooled based on predetermined lesson plans that follow the recipe of publishers intent on selling teaching books. Students are taught to recall information and "doing better in school" is simply a matter of finding the "right" answers.
But an education that prepares us for life also teaches that there is not always one "right" and one "wrong" answer – merely the best of many alternatives. As parents, we need to stay focused on educating, not on schooling.
What To Do: Many children do benefit from summer programs, but usually it is when the student needs a little extra time to catch up, not run ahead.
Use this simple reminder: Would you give your child’s foot a head start by buying a size 6 when he needs a size 4? Most likely not. Then why buy a grade 6 curriculum for a grade 4 brain?
Any "catch up" learning still needs to be balanced with other summer activities that give your child valuable life experiences. Every child learns to deal with life by playing with friends. Through interactive play, a child learns to put his schooling to use with independent thinking and creativity. For example, when two friends decide to build a scooter out of wooden crates, they are using measurements and geometry, problem solving, decision making and assessment of consequences.
If you want to give your child a head start, you do not have to turn to formal "enrichment" programs. Sit down together and discuss the areas that need improvement. If your son needs to work on math facts, ask him to spend just three to five minutes a day practicing and then correcting his work. By working simple math problems for a few minutes every day, he will have a head start over students who become "rusty" on math during the summer.
If you are concerned about reading, set aside a time each week to go to the library and check out books and read them together.
Whatever you decide to do, concentrate on education and not just schooling. Involve your child in buying groceries, washing clothes, even balancing a checkbook.
It is in the natural sequences of life that schooling matters, and not on the made-up exercise of tutorial or educational enrichment programs.
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How to give your child some summer structure
May 31, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: When I talk to other parents about their summer plans, reactions range from mild apprehension to near panic. Some of us are working parents, some are stay-at-home, but all of us are at least a little anxious about what summer will bring. Any advice? |
The Assessment: Few other phrases carry such a double meaning. For students, it is a time for fun and freedom; for parents it is a time to respond nervously, "What are we going to do for the next couple of months?"
Most working parents anticipated that question months ago, making advance summer arrangemens for child care. But at-home parents might be hit full-force trying to schedule a summer full of fun during the first week of June.
All parents face the same dilemma – the transition from kids in school to kids on vacation. Children have been under strict controls for seven hours a day during the school year, but now we must apply the controls just when our children want their freedom. Is it any wonder that they "fight back" and make the first few weeks of summer vacation more like World War III? As parents, we must provide control in the form of a structured schedule. We must also give our children choices, which can reduce parental guilt when we impose the consequences.
What To Do: WHAT WORKING PARENTS CAN DO
The roughest transition for your child to make is from day care (be it day camp, nursery or at a friend’s home) to evenings at home. When you come to pick him up, your child might say, "Go away – I just started to play!" The situation is made worse when you have to pull or push that screaming kid into the car. By the time you get home, no one feels like a peaceful supper or family time together.
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Finding the right ingredients for the 'right' school
February 01, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: I am a working parent. I have sacrificed to send my child to what people say is the best school in the city. So far, I have paid for nothing but a year of misery. My child has had hours of homework, and I have spent hours teaching spelling, math and everything else. I come home tired from work only to find a stressed-out child. There have been nights that I scream and nights that we cry together. I want to give my child the best education possible, but why does it have to be so painful? If I switch schools in the fall, am I taking from him what he really needs? Am I being selfish? |
The Assessment: As increased attention is focused on improving the U.S. educational system, the national spotlight has illuminated the need for a "good education" but has neglected other important family issues.
Just what is a good education? In many cases, the "good" schools have given students and their families a one-size-fits-all definition that makes "good education" synonymous with "more education." Consequently, students at the "good" schools are given more homework, more tests and often more stress.
I believe we have the definition backward. Instead of allowing schools to define for our families what makes a "good education," each family must create its own definition. Once parents have decided what a school should provide for their child, then finding the "right" school will become clearer.
What To Do: As you define "good education," make two lists: one of everything a school should be and one of everything a school should not be. Consider what values you want for your child and what impression of learning you would like to instill:
Here is a sample list:
I want a school that:
Teaches my child to love learning and teaches what he is ready to learn;
Offers structure with flexibility;
Praises my child for his work and effort;
Believes my child needs time with his family each evening;
Helps my child find his own special strengths.
I do not want a school that:
Treats my child as an adult;
Expects me to be my child’s math and spelling teacher;
Uses an accelerated curriculum to raise scores on standardized tests.
Next, you will need a list of questions to ask as you search for your own "good" school. For each point on your lists, you can create questions to determine if a school meets your criteria.
Finding a "good" school is like baking a cake. Decide which ingredients will make the very best cake, and then combine the right ingredients in the proper amounts. Do not fall for schools that offer the frosting and forget the cake.
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Good mentoring has its limits
January 25, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: Recently I
volunteered to be a “mentor” in an after-school
program for inner-city adolescents. Now that I
have started, I’m not sure what I am doing. I
went to a training course and a lot of it was on
motivation and being a role model.
I want to help, but I am finding that I have no idea what these kids’ lives must be like. I did not grow up poor like they are. I didn’t have to risk my life just to attend school. How can I just decide to be a role model for what they “should” do with their lives? |
The Assessment: There is no debate that today’s “at-risk” children need positive role models, but we must recognize that mentoring programs do have inherent dangers. To the extent that we are not aware of these, our well-intentioned plans can do harm.
The first step is to define what effect you want to have as a role model. I believe that the biggest gift you can give these children is something that most adults take for granted – independence within the mainstream of society.
However, serving as a role model means walking a fine line. Mentoring is not synonymous with adoption. Although you want to communicate a sense of caring, you should not become so emotionally attached that, when you “disappear” from the child’s life, it becomes another disappointment and a source of emotional poverty.
The best role model relationship – like a good story – has a beginning, a middle and an end. Since the end goal is to foster independence, the beginning and middle of the story are structured to make the role model obsolete!
What To Do: Here are a few guidelines to help you stay focused on the goal of fostering independence and not dependency on you:
Do not try to rebirth the child. Just help make his life meaningful.
Do not judge what you do not understand. You are there to help the child improve her life, not criticize the one she has.
Do not try to play with the child’s reality. With the exception of abuse, the child’s life has to be respected.
Do not try to motivate a child without showing him how to do what is expected. Motivation is personal. Each individual must judge for himself when he is ready to take a chance and take a risk. Readiness is for the child to judge, and not for you to push on him.
Accept the child where she is. “Potential” is irrelevant. Just because you think a child can do something does not mean she is ready to do it.
Remember that the mainstream of this country is diverse. Thus, your values and ethics are not the only ones acceptable.
Mentoring and role modeling have nothing to do with loving, but everything to do with caring.
Mentoring is the opportunity to give others independence. Anything else is unacceptable.
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There is no magic wand for achievement
January 18, 2007 12:00 PM
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Dear Dr. Fournier: I have a
very bright son. He has been tested by the school
and they found that he has the "IQ" to qualify
him for the gifted students’ special program.
However, his teachers will not allow his
participation in the program. His grades have
never been good enough for them to consider him.
I think something must happen for him to want to use his intelligence and think that if the teachers would only give him a chance, this program could be the very thing that could wake my son up. I believe that my son has not seen the importance of education yet. I was a bit like that when I was his age. It wasn’t until college that I started to get my act together. But at the rate my son is going, I don’t know if he’ll even make it to college. I know he wants to be in the gifted program, and the fact that he isn’t has just made him angry. I think he is giving up. |
The Assessment: When testing reveals a "bright" child, the news gives parents a dose of good feelings, but this short-term rejoicing might turn into long-term frustration if the "bright" child does not produce the desired results at school.
What usually follows is pointing the all-too-familiar finger of blame. The child is bright, but he is just not motivated. He is lazy. He just does not live up to his potential.
I have bad news: there is no "good grades" fairy.
And what about the parents? I have heard many comment that they did not really learn to study until they were in college. Surely this did not happen because their college professors suddenly took an interest in teaching them how to study. More likely, it was the result of maturity – years of trial and error with different ways of doing academic work, until they hit upon the methods that were effective for them. Learning to learn was a process of experimentation.
Today’s children are at a disadvantage. In this era of the information highway, school curricula are cruising at warp speed, placing extra pressure on students to learn more and learn it sooner. Less and less time is allotted to basic-skills development, which is now pushed down to grades one through three. As a result, many "bright" children are not given enough time to develop and fine-tune their certified brightness.
What To Do: Whether your son participates in advanced classes is not nearly as important as helping your son set personal goals for success in life.
Talk with your son about the consequences of his choices. His performance in high school will affect his choice of college, and that college education will determine the type of job – and the amount of salary – he can command in the future.
Think back to your college days and the pressures that drove you to find personal strategies for successful learning. A list of those pressures might include:
I wanted to maintain my independence.
I wanted to have a good relationship with my professors.
I wanted to be involved with activities to put on my resume to help me get a good job
after college.
I did not want low grades to keep me from participating in sports or social activities.
I did not want to disappoint my parents.
Discuss with your son the things that you would not have today if you had not addressed these pressures by getting your "act together." These items might include your job and salary, which pays for your home, car, trips, and even his mp3 player or video games. All of these material things become possible because you earned a college degree and were qualified for a good-paying job.
There is no magic wand for achievement. Just because our children are intelligent does not mean that they understand what lies ahead.
As your son sets goals for his life and not just his school performance, help him to understand that he will need the perseverance to see him through, the determination to reach his goal, the resilience to keep coming back from defeat, and the self-respect to keep him from giving up.
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