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Jun 2007
Teach your child to read for pleasure
June 28, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: Skill Sets
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Dear Dr. Fournier: My child hates reading. She has not picked up one book so far this summer. I love to read and cannot understand why my daughter does not enjoy it. I have taken her to the library and she checks out books but never reads them. How can I get her to read for pleasure? |
The Assessment: "Reading for pleasure is a contradiction in terms." When I first heard that statement, I was totally confounded because I spent my childhood engrossed in the fantasy that books created.
But soon I remembered the story of a first-grader who burst into tears one afternoon when his mother picked him up from school. When he could finally talk about the problem, he explained that he had been assigned to take out three books from the library, read them, pick his favorite and then write a letter to his favorite character. "Mom!" he cried, "Who writes letters to books?"
Reading for pleasure is not easily developed in children who have been exposed to the "read and do" syndrome that often prevails at school. Students might be asked to "read and..." draw a picture, "read and..." write a book report, "read and..." summarize, or "read and..." answer questions. Even reading contests are a form of the "read and do" syndrome as children are instructed to read and complete rather than read for enjoyment.
What To Do: Many parents expect their children to begin reading for pleasure by having them choose which book to read. On a trip to the library, how many times have you heard a parent say, "Hurry up and pick a book so we can check it out"?
Instead, prepare your child to choose her "reading for..." by setting out a list of interests that can be added to throughout the summer. Here are a few ideas:
I want to read for knowing more about...dogs and other pets.
I want to read for knowing how to make...a tree house.
I want to read for traveling in my mind...to Italy.
I want to read for learning how to...draw cartoons.
I want to read for...solving fun mysteries.
I want to read for...relaxing at bedtime.
Set up a calendar and explain to your daughter that each day she has a choice: she can either become "obsolete" because she has not changed anything inside or she can become "new and improved" by adding something new. Once a week, or at any other convenient interval, have your child find what she needs to be "new and improved" and how "reading for..." will help her accomplish her goals. Then you are ready for trips to libraries, bookstores or other places where you can pick up brochures or information.
As you help your child identify that which is pleasurable, then reading can take its place as a support to finding pleasure rather than a goal in and of itself.
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Ease the way into 'middle-aged' childhood
June 21, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: All Levels
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Dear Dr. Fournier: As working parents, my husband and I feel we have no choice but to leave our 13-year-old daughter home alone this summer. I have scheduled her for a few activities, but have not found much that is both affordable and appropriate for her age. We are afraid of everything we hear in the news. What do parents do when we feel forced to leave a child at home alone? |
The Assessment: Parents today are being steadily pulled and pushed toward parenting with fear.
Fear for our children’s safety and wellbeing is a strong pull. We constantly hear the "failure" of other families – teen pregnancy, drugs, drinking and failure in school – and we want to protect our children from these threats to their future.
In addition, we are pushed by the fear of "warning signs" to watch for in our children’s behavior: Is the child moody or unhappy? Does she avoid you? Are grades slipping? Implicit in this type of checklist is the fear that, unless we act now, our children might some day be added to the list of failures.
Of course, society has given us some good reasons to be cautious, if not outright fearful.
Children today have an early exposure to knowledge of the adult realm, and we must remain watchful. But in doing so, we risk falling into the trap of parenting with fear rather than parenting with trust.
Parenting with fear means holding on to past methods rather than transitioning to new ways as the child transitions to increased independence. Parenting with trust – not blind trust – means that we must exhibit and teach mutual trust and responsibility. This gives our children the chance to make decisions without constantly being under our watchful eye.
Having to leave a child at home alone does create a feeling of sadness when we have spent so many years watching and knowing all that the child does. But as the child enters "middle-aged" childhood, we must also move into a middle stage of parenting – not holding on quite as much, yet not letting go completely.
What To Do: Sit with your child and together make a list of all the things you fear would produce pain in her life. Then let her know that rather than fear these and treat her with mistrust, together you will make sure she learns the rules of trust.
Make a list of the characteristics you will focus on in this first summer of learning about independence with responsibility. Also let her know that these will be the same skills that can help her avoid future pain. Some of the characteristics might be honesty, trust, perseverance and constancy.
Talk about these terms and find examples from the past when your child demonstrated these qualities under your supervision. Help her see that she has already been successful.
Then help her set up explicit tasks that she will carry out to demonstrate that she is capable of continuing her success without your watchful eye. For example:
Honesty: I will only leave home with permission.
Trust: When I ask permission to do something, I will present both the pros and cons of the situation and my reasonings. Then I will trust my parents to make a decision they feel is in my best interests.
Perseverance: I will finish all responsibilities no matter how hard they seem or how tired I feel or how much I do not want to do them.
Constancy: I will do all of these and not have to fear surprises.
In the evening when you come home from work, reinforce your child’s successes by using these words. For example, "You finished vacuuming the house – that’s perseverance."
Parenting with fear combined with parenting from a distance is not the type of guidance our children need. Parenting with trust puts you back where you have always been and where your child needs you – in charge!
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Teach your child to explore in modest ways
June 14, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: All Levels
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Dear Dr. Fournier: I am a single parent of two children. I work hard at two jobs, but my income is still below what they call the "poverty line" for a family of three. We are making it, but a lot of the kids my children know from school are taking great vacations or going away to summer camp. My kids have to stay at home while I work. This hurts them and it hurts me more. Is there any way to make up for what I cannot give them? |
The Assessment: Summer can be a time of plenty, but this just adds to the pain of the many families who cannot afford to give their children all the special activities, trips and fun they desire.
Some parents choose to say "no" to their children’s requests to teach children that they "can’t have everything." Holding the line on affluence is good, but it is planets away from the earthly reality many families face.
The children who are left out by birth or circumstance – not choice – cannot say, "my parents won’t let me have..." In a society that uses material wealth as a measure of success and acceptance, these children can easily spend too much time feeling hurt and rejected.
As other parents pay for plane trips, amusement parks or movies, their children explore life as given to them. But parents who cannot afford to pay for these activities have the opportunity to give their children life as they create it. Like the chicken-or-the-egg philosophy, this challenges the way we see the universe: Which comes first, the universe outside of us or the universe within?
Parents might not be able to take away a child’s hurt, but they can balance that pain by offering their children the chance to explore their own universe – the universe within.
What To Do: There are many ways to explore that universe by stimulating imagination and creativity.
As a child, I found my universe in the library. In this playground of my childhood, I learned to use books as a ticket to my own imagination. One book told of mountains, another of France, another of oceans. Once the direction was clear, the book had served its purpose; my imagination went on as I "daydreamed" through the stories. I climbed mountains, I built bridges, I fought wars and found peace.
In the library, there are no socio-economic differences. In the library, all you need is your mind – and all minds are of equal value. All minds are a ticket to the universe within.
Public parks and playgrounds can also be a place of exploration. A swing becomes a rocket ship. A jungle gym becomes the tallest mountain. In stimulating the universe within, encourage your children to go beyond reality and imagine what might be.
Give your children the opportunity to create. You cannot take away the feeling of material deprivation, but in the long run, you might give them the richness of a future in which they can make a difference.
All lives have treasures, but it is up to us to find them. I believe the resourcefulness required by "poverty" is an opportunity to explore inner abundance – a wealth we can never be deprived of. For each "no" for material things you must say to your children, follow up with a "yes" to their imagination.
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Think 'learning' instead of 'schooling' this summer
June 07, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: All Levels
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Dear Dr. Fournier: My son is a good student but has always had to work hard for what he gets. I am torn between letting him have a fun summer or enrolling him in an educational program. It would only be a couple of hours a week and I feel this could give him the head start he needs to do even better in school. My child is against it. He wants to play. What should I do? |
The Assessment: "Do better in school."
A marketing agency once suggested I use this as a slogan. It captured every parent’s dream for their child’s success in school – good feelings, the need for immediate gratification. I rejected the slogan for all these reasons. They are the goals of consumers rather than producers.
As parents, we must help produce in our children a vision that extends beyond the intermediate goal of school and goes to a greater goal – that our children do their best in life. As we are bombarded with summer "enrichment opportunities," we must remain focused on that greater goal and ask whether a summer of schooling will really help our child succeed in life.
I use the term "schooling" with great care. Schooling is a rigid, hierarchical system, when a student’s permission for movement is determined by a clock or a bell. Our children are schooled based on predetermined lesson plans that follow the recipe of publishers intent on selling teaching books. Students are taught to recall information and "doing better in school" is simply a matter of finding the "right" answers.
But an education that prepares us for life also teaches that there is not always one "right" and one "wrong" answer – merely the best of many alternatives. As parents, we need to stay focused on educating, not on schooling.
What To Do: Many children do benefit from summer programs, but usually it is when the student needs a little extra time to catch up, not run ahead.
Use this simple reminder: Would you give your child’s foot a head start by buying a size 6 when he needs a size 4? Most likely not. Then why buy a grade 6 curriculum for a grade 4 brain?
Any "catch up" learning still needs to be balanced with other summer activities that give your child valuable life experiences. Every child learns to deal with life by playing with friends. Through interactive play, a child learns to put his schooling to use with independent thinking and creativity. For example, when two friends decide to build a scooter out of wooden crates, they are using measurements and geometry, problem solving, decision making and assessment of consequences.
If you want to give your child a head start, you do not have to turn to formal "enrichment" programs. Sit down together and discuss the areas that need improvement. If your son needs to work on math facts, ask him to spend just three to five minutes a day practicing and then correcting his work. By working simple math problems for a few minutes every day, he will have a head start over students who become "rusty" on math during the summer.
If you are concerned about reading, set aside a time each week to go to the library and check out books and read them together.
Whatever you decide to do, concentrate on education and not just schooling. Involve your child in buying groceries, washing clothes, even balancing a checkbook.
It is in the natural sequences of life that schooling matters, and not on the made-up exercise of tutorial or educational enrichment programs.
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