%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
%)
Jan 2007
Good mentoring has its limits
January 25, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: All Levels
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: Recently I
volunteered to be a “mentor” in an after-school
program for inner-city adolescents. Now that I
have started, I’m not sure what I am doing. I
went to a training course and a lot of it was on
motivation and being a role model.
I want to help, but I am finding that I have no idea what these kids’ lives must be like. I did not grow up poor like they are. I didn’t have to risk my life just to attend school. How can I just decide to be a role model for what they “should” do with their lives? |
The Assessment: There is no debate that today’s “at-risk” children need positive role models, but we must recognize that mentoring programs do have inherent dangers. To the extent that we are not aware of these, our well-intentioned plans can do harm.
The first step is to define what effect you want to have as a role model. I believe that the biggest gift you can give these children is something that most adults take for granted – independence within the mainstream of society.
However, serving as a role model means walking a fine line. Mentoring is not synonymous with adoption. Although you want to communicate a sense of caring, you should not become so emotionally attached that, when you “disappear” from the child’s life, it becomes another disappointment and a source of emotional poverty.
The best role model relationship – like a good story – has a beginning, a middle and an end. Since the end goal is to foster independence, the beginning and middle of the story are structured to make the role model obsolete!
What To Do: Here are a few guidelines to help you stay focused on the goal of fostering independence and not dependency on you:
Do not try to rebirth the child. Just help make his life meaningful.
Do not judge what you do not understand. You are there to help the child improve her life, not criticize the one she has.
Do not try to play with the child’s reality. With the exception of abuse, the child’s life has to be respected.
Do not try to motivate a child without showing him how to do what is expected. Motivation is personal. Each individual must judge for himself when he is ready to take a chance and take a risk. Readiness is for the child to judge, and not for you to push on him.
Accept the child where she is. “Potential” is irrelevant. Just because you think a child can do something does not mean she is ready to do it.
Remember that the mainstream of this country is diverse. Thus, your values and ethics are not the only ones acceptable.
Mentoring and role modeling have nothing to do with loving, but everything to do with caring.
Mentoring is the opportunity to give others independence. Anything else is unacceptable.
<<Previous page
There is no magic wand for achievement
January 18, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: All Levels
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: I have a
very bright son. He has been tested by the school
and they found that he has the "IQ" to qualify
him for the gifted students’ special program.
However, his teachers will not allow his
participation in the program. His grades have
never been good enough for them to consider him.
I think something must happen for him to want to use his intelligence and think that if the teachers would only give him a chance, this program could be the very thing that could wake my son up. I believe that my son has not seen the importance of education yet. I was a bit like that when I was his age. It wasn’t until college that I started to get my act together. But at the rate my son is going, I don’t know if he’ll even make it to college. I know he wants to be in the gifted program, and the fact that he isn’t has just made him angry. I think he is giving up. |
The Assessment: When testing reveals a "bright" child, the news gives parents a dose of good feelings, but this short-term rejoicing might turn into long-term frustration if the "bright" child does not produce the desired results at school.
What usually follows is pointing the all-too-familiar finger of blame. The child is bright, but he is just not motivated. He is lazy. He just does not live up to his potential.
I have bad news: there is no "good grades" fairy.
And what about the parents? I have heard many comment that they did not really learn to study until they were in college. Surely this did not happen because their college professors suddenly took an interest in teaching them how to study. More likely, it was the result of maturity – years of trial and error with different ways of doing academic work, until they hit upon the methods that were effective for them. Learning to learn was a process of experimentation.
Today’s children are at a disadvantage. In this era of the information highway, school curricula are cruising at warp speed, placing extra pressure on students to learn more and learn it sooner. Less and less time is allotted to basic-skills development, which is now pushed down to grades one through three. As a result, many "bright" children are not given enough time to develop and fine-tune their certified brightness.
What To Do: Whether your son participates in advanced classes is not nearly as important as helping your son set personal goals for success in life.
Talk with your son about the consequences of his choices. His performance in high school will affect his choice of college, and that college education will determine the type of job – and the amount of salary – he can command in the future.
Think back to your college days and the pressures that drove you to find personal strategies for successful learning. A list of those pressures might include:
I wanted to maintain my independence.
I wanted to have a good relationship with my professors.
I wanted to be involved with activities to put on my resume to help me get a good job
after college.
I did not want low grades to keep me from participating in sports or social activities.
I did not want to disappoint my parents.
Discuss with your son the things that you would not have today if you had not addressed these pressures by getting your "act together." These items might include your job and salary, which pays for your home, car, trips, and even his mp3 player or video games. All of these material things become possible because you earned a college degree and were qualified for a good-paying job.
There is no magic wand for achievement. Just because our children are intelligent does not mean that they understand what lies ahead.
As your son sets goals for his life and not just his school performance, help him to understand that he will need the perseverance to see him through, the determination to reach his goal, the resilience to keep coming back from defeat, and the self-respect to keep him from giving up.
<<Previous page
Finding an alternative solution is often the answer
January 11, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: Diagnoses
| Pre-School
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: My daughter is in preschool, or what many call 4-year-old kindergarten. I was called for a conference with her teacher. You can imagine my surprise and dismay when I was told that my daughter wasn’t keeping up with the other children. The main problem is that she is not drawing circles and squares yet. Her teacher suggested I consider having her tested for attention deficit disorder. She thinks that if she has it, it will be important to find this out early. Do you agree? |
The Assessment: Today’s hurried society tells us to do more and do it sooner, which for many has been translated into finding potential disabilities as early as possible. Although early intervention might be a worthy goal in some cases, it is not a one-size-fits-all solution, and we must be careful to give our children the time to grow and develop within normal ranges.
Development is not an event. It is a long-term process that we cannot hurry and we cannot measure with a yardstick. Developmental checklists might give the opposite impression. Yes, there is a specific time by which all children should – but not necessarily must – know how to do the same thing. Different children will get there at different times.
When my son was in preschool, his teachers had long lists with developmental expectations, including one that I particularly dreaded for my son: "Can tie his shoes." I knew that I still had to tie his shoes for him, and at first was apprehensive in anticipation of his "failure" in this category. Then one day I looked at his tiny hands and wondered if this was a battle that I wanted to fight. I believed the day would come when his little hands had grown as much as his desire to tie his shoes.
As I read all the "expert" opinions and weighed them against my son’s developmental readiness, I came up with what I call "The Velcro-Kid Theory:" When children are not ready to learn something because they need more developmental time and are still within normal ranges, find another solution. Mine was to buy my son tennis shoes with Velcro flaps until one day he came to me and said, "Mama, I want to learn to tie shoes."
Different children will reach developmental milestones at different times. As parents, we must watch to see when help might be needed, but we must give our children the time to develop on their own.
What To Do: If your child has developed in other areas and is lacking in one particular skill, ask your self whether you believe additional development time is needed. If so, you might have a Velcro kid – one who needs a different solution while you give her the time to grow.
In this case, buy a stencil that has a circle and a square. When other children are drawing their shapes freehand, your child will use her stencil. She can then learn exactly what she is expected to do, but can rely on the stencil. In time, her little hands will likely begin to draw her own circles and squares.
In preschool, a few months’ difference in birthdates can mean a wide difference in developmental readiness. But the need for extra developmental time does not stop there. In higher grades, children might still need alternate solutions, such as using a calculator until their math facts are automatic, or using a pencil instead of a pen until their fine motor skills have developed.
Some have suggested that these alternate strategies are not fair to the other children. I agree: they should not be implemented for children who do not need this kind of solution. But chances are, at some point the "other children" will need alternate strategies of their own.
<<Previous page
Teach time-management skills first
January 04, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: Skill Sets
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: My son’s time-management skills are terrible. He procrastinates, is always rushing to get anywhere and has a reputation for being late. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I feel unqualified to give him advice because I do the same things. Is there anything I can do to help him when I don’t know how to help myself? |
The Assessment: Time governs us, structures us, and, no matter what we do, never waits for us.
As the new year begins, we all make resolutions to use our time wisely. At this time of year, we often hear references to time creeping into our everyday language:
"I just haven’t found the time to get everything done."
"Hurry up! I only have 15 minutes before the store closes."
"I need to get into the office early tomorrow to try to catch up on my work."
Like adults, children are easily stressed over the seeming lack of time. In school, they are encouraged to hand in homework on time, pace themselves through their classwork and learn it all in time to move up to the next grade. While adults invest millions of dollars each year in time-management tools, techniques and courses, too often we assume that our children will develop these skills on their own and "in time."
What To Do: Talk to your son about how to use the "life time" each of us is given to achieve our "lifetime" goals.
Have your child make a list of ways he uses his time. He might need to keep a schedule for at least a week to show patterns of activity. For example, school might be divided into different class periods with different demands from each teacher. At home, your child must balance time for homework, chores and outside activities.
After your child has compiled a weekly schedule, talk about changes that could help him make better use of time. Here are some examples:
I am going to stop fighting with my sister and my parents. It just wastes time getting mad and shouting at each other.
I am going to write down all homework assignments and make a schedule for finishing them every night. I don’t want to waste time worrying about whether I brought home the right books, or griping that my homework is impossible.
When we are confronted with an overwhelming number of daily activities or new choices, all of us should evaluate the use of our time by asking, "Is this what I want to give my ‘life’ time for?"
As we help our children make choices about how to use their time constructively, we can help them learn to balance their life with time for work and leisure, family and friends. And, who knows? We might learn to manage our own time a bit better in the process.
<<Previous page
