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Feb 2007
Student needs knowledge and responsibility
February 22, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: Middle
School |
Skill
Sets
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: Our
eighth-grade son is in gifted classes and is an
avid reader, mostly cheerful, and has a wonderful
self-esteem, for which we are truly thankful.
As far as school work, however, he is not self-motivated. Since he was in fourth grade, I have spent a lot of time making sure he does his work, helping him through it, showing him how to study, quizzing him for tests, helping with time management for special projects, and the list goes on and on. When I do all these things, he gets As and Bs – sometimes straight As. If I don’t, he is a B-C student. I know he is capable of doing it on his own; the problem is he just does not want to, and is satisfied with average work. My question is, how involved should parents be in school work of children who are not motivated to do their best? |
The Assessment: Schooling has many important goals, but its primary function is to teach basic knowledge, to develop responsibility for learning independently and with accountability, and to encourage each student to process knowledge with independent thinking, learning and creativity. This is a tall order, but our schools work on each of these primary areas over time.
In the early grades, the emphasis is on basic skills. Bright children with dedicated parents, like your son, usually have a “pre-learning advantage,” with educational toys, computer programs and TV shows that teach colors, numbers and the alphabet long before the child even enters preschool. What I call the “Fisher Price Generation” usually breezes through the first three grades, often experiencing success without challenge.
In many school systems today, the fourth grade has become the time when independence in learning is suddenly expected to be in place. For most children this independence remains a skill that is still in need of development.
This often is the time when dedicated parents step in to help. Unfortunately, this separates two learning tasks that should be developed simultaneously by the child. Learning is delegated to the child and responsibility to the parent.
As students continue into middle school and high school, the educational demands increase. Instead of just memorizing basic skills, they must learn to process knowledge and contribute their own analysis and insight. A student who has not become responsible for independent learning is soon at a disadvantage in school, and is destined to be at a disadvantage in a collaborative workforce.
To succeed in school and in life, a student needs both basic knowledge and work ethic of responsibility that will allow him, as an adult, to join with others in using his knowledge.
What To Do: For the past five years, your son has learned that he does not have to be concerned with responsibility, because you have taken on that role. You must give responsibility back to him with equal commitment and diligence over time.
Select a course that your son enjoys, and outline the responsibilities he must take on to be independently successful. Be specific about the requirements. How will he take on responsibility for turning in his homework on time, handling short-term and long-term assignments, and preparing for tests and quizzes?
Have your son put this list in writing, creating a list of commitments to himself. If he fails to meet these commitments, he won’t be failing you or his teachers, but himself.
Slowly determine what items on the list you will no longer assist in, other than just lending support or answering appropriate questions. Do not take responsibilities back once you have let them go. Make sure that each item is small enough that your son can do it successfully. As your son begins to experience independent success, gradually increase his responsibility for other courses.
For a dedicated parent, letting go will be as difficult for you as grasping responsibility is for your son. Talk about this so that from the beginning you can understand each other’s pain. Remember that the goal is well worth it: Having a child who can become an independent, lifelong learner.
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Academic achievers' problemstoo often overlooked
February 15, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: Elementary
School |
Diagnoses
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: My son is
9 years old and in fourth grade. He has attended
private school since kindergarten and has done
well academically, but recently has begun to
demonstrate what his pediatrician calls
"stress-related symptoms." These include having
trouble breathing and stomach aches during
school.
I do not know how to handle this. Naturally, I want him to do well in school, but I do not want him to become so stressed out about it that he has physical symptoms! |
The Assessment: When we hear about "problems in school," we invariably think about the low-achieving student. When it comes to academic achievers, too often their problems are overlooked by those who assume that a student who does well in school "has it all together."
Just as low-achieving students might find themselves coping with the demands by giving up and taking an "I don’t care" attitude, high-achieving students might find themselves trapped in defense mode against what can hurt them: the fear of failure.
Children often cannot express this powerful feeling in words, so they send other signals. A child who "does well academically" but has been diagnosed by a physician with physical signs of stress is already saying a lot. Consider the possible messages:
I accept the importance of doing well in school, and I fulfill my responsibilities. I am learning and achieving – my grades prove it.
Even though I am doing well, someone might think there is something wrong with me. What if I am not smart? What if I cannot keep up and others find out?
I know more is coming, and I need to continue to do well in class. When the teacher gets upset in class, that includes me. What if I can’t do the work and start making bad grades?
What To Do: Speak with your child and let him know that his physical wellness comes before anything he is learning in school. Let him know that you will help him in decreasing his stress.
Ask your son to keep a diary of when he begins to feel sick at school. Have him write what has happened, what he is thinking or what he fears could happen. Next, work with your child’s teacher, physician or even a counselor to analyze the diary. Do symptoms occur during a certain subject or task? Is there a specific time of day during which symptoms are worse? Just be sure that the meetings with these professionals do not increase your son’s stress by embarrassing him.
Be open to any answers. For example, your son might be stressed out about going to the library because he does not like to be silent. He might be afraid of not being able to finish board work, or that the teacher might get upset with the class.
Once you identify potential causes, help your child develop defense strategies. For example, if your son is afraid of going to the library, get a timer and practice at home. Help him understand that what seems like an eternity at school is actually half as long as his favorite TV show and that he can cope with the expectation.
Physical illness is a sign of stress turned into distress. As parents, we need to listen to those messages and deliver an appropriate response.
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Thought comes before organization
February 08, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: Skill Sets
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: My son has
always been a mess. His teachers have complained
time and again about his "lack of organization."
I honestly believe this has been marked as
"needing improvement" on every report card since
he started school.
He does his assignments, but I find them at home when he is supposed to be handing them in. He has received zeroes for not handing work, but even this has not changed him. I just read about an organization course at a nearby college. They say it is for students who sound just like my son. Might this be a solution, or should I just give up? |
The Assessment: "Real-life" learning rarely takes place in a make-believe setting.
As much as we want our children to learn the skills needed to be successful in school and in life, we must be careful not to put them into artificial situations in which skills are taught without realistic application. When we want our children to learn a skill, we must provide the opportunity to learn it and practice it with real-life pressure.
Think back to when you taught your child how to tie his shoelaces. Did you simply give him directions, or did you let him practice tying his laces until he learned? What about teaching him how to ride his bike?
In these moments of instruction, we realize that our teaching must include the necessity of performing the task under real-life situations. Teaching a child how to be organized is no different.
What To Do: Organization requires pre-thought that relates any organizational system to one of three primary purposes:
This paper has an important purpose. The pre-thought: When will I need this?
At a specific time, I must have that paper to fulfill that purpose. The pre-thought: What will I need it for?
If I do not produce the right paper at the right time, I will be viewed as irresponsible and will suffer consequences. The pre-thought: What will happen if I do not have it?
Relating these purposes to school means having an organizational system that assures access to:
Homework on a daily basis so you never get caught without it again;
Lunch money, so you do not have to watch others eat while you remain hungry;
Papers for parents, so you are never told that you are hiding things from them;
Notes and quizzes, so you can prepare for tests.
Teaching pre-thinking cannot be done in a day, but everyday tasks offer many real-life situations that demand pre-thought or organization according to purpose.
You can assign any number of organizational responsibilities to your son: the week’s grocery shopping, registration forms for sports or other activities, phone numbers and e-mail addresses of friends with whom your son might want to communicate, doctor appointments, and even the mortgage, phone and light bills.
For each responsibility that your son takes on, guide him through the pre-thought necessary: When will I need this? What will happen if I do not have it? For example, to organize the week’s grocery shopping, he must make sure each family member keeps a list of what he or she needs from the grocery store. Your son then designates a day to pull the coupons and match them with the grocery list.
With any organizational task, make sure your son has the opportunity to succeed and to fail. He will not be perfect from day one, but be patient; he is learning an entirely new thought process. As he realizes the consequences for his actions, this process has more of a chance of taking hold.
Demonstrating organization with purpose in a real-life setting will help your son learn that organization is a process that helps to carry out a task easily and quickly. By developing this thinking process in real-world situations, you will help make this a part of your son’s way of handling tasks – including school tasks – with responsibility.
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Finding the right ingredients for the 'right' school
February 01, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: All Levels
 |
Dear Dr. Fournier: I am a working parent. I have sacrificed to send my child to what people say is the best school in the city. So far, I have paid for nothing but a year of misery. My child has had hours of homework, and I have spent hours teaching spelling, math and everything else. I come home tired from work only to find a stressed-out child. There have been nights that I scream and nights that we cry together. I want to give my child the best education possible, but why does it have to be so painful? If I switch schools in the fall, am I taking from him what he really needs? Am I being selfish? |
The Assessment: As increased attention is focused on improving the U.S. educational system, the national spotlight has illuminated the need for a "good education" but has neglected other important family issues.
Just what is a good education? In many cases, the "good" schools have given students and their families a one-size-fits-all definition that makes "good education" synonymous with "more education." Consequently, students at the "good" schools are given more homework, more tests and often more stress.
I believe we have the definition backward. Instead of allowing schools to define for our families what makes a "good education," each family must create its own definition. Once parents have decided what a school should provide for their child, then finding the "right" school will become clearer.
What To Do: As you define "good education," make two lists: one of everything a school should be and one of everything a school should not be. Consider what values you want for your child and what impression of learning you would like to instill:
Here is a sample list:
I want a school that:
Teaches my child to love learning and teaches what he is ready to learn;
Offers structure with flexibility;
Praises my child for his work and effort;
Believes my child needs time with his family each evening;
Helps my child find his own special strengths.
I do not want a school that:
Treats my child as an adult;
Expects me to be my child’s math and spelling teacher;
Uses an accelerated curriculum to raise scores on standardized tests.
Next, you will need a list of questions to ask as you search for your own "good" school. For each point on your lists, you can create questions to determine if a school meets your criteria.
Finding a "good" school is like baking a cake. Decide which ingredients will make the very best cake, and then combine the right ingredients in the proper amounts. Do not fall for schools that offer the frosting and forget the cake.
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