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Balancing character between school and home
December 25, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: All Levels
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Dear Dr. Fournier: I hear a lot about character education in schools, and I am sometimes offended because I believe character education is my job. Then there are moments when I see my own child shy away from situations that he should stand up to, or I see him refuse to do something because he thinks the teacher won’t like it. What should I do? I want my son to stand up for what he believes in. How do schools define character education, and how can I teach character to my son? |
The Assessment: When we meet people, regardless of how open-minded we want to be, our human reaction is to judge them. Although we cannot confirm someone’s character with just one encounter, our perception of someone’s character begins at that first meeting. Our first impression – right or wrong – prevails until proven otherwise.
We view people according to their words and actions. This overt personality that the world sees ultimately becomes someone’s reputation. But reputation is simply what others think about you. Your character is who you truly are when no one else is around.
The Merriam-Webster On-Line Dictionary defines character as:
When we talk about character education in schools, most people are referring to the third definition, the “moral excellence and firmness,” that we want our children to have. We want them to develop an internal infrastructure to make decisions concurrent to their moral beliefs – an infrastructure so strong that there is no negotiation with their moral convictions. Character is the unwavering drive to choose what is right, even when that choice could cause you difficulties.
What To Do: I am not sure how schools should teach this. There are many curriculums available to schools and churches to teach “character.” But character education often begins in the home – sometimes through a concerted effort to teach it, but often by the example parents set through their daily lives. We may not have time to sit with our children and give them a lesson each day on courage, truthfulness, bigotry, tenacity or dependability. However, by teaching the right lessons and following those lessons ourselves, our children develop character for success in life.
With my own son, I began by emphasizing conviction, because a moral value or virtue held without conviction is useless and hypocritical. I have a life rule that I try to live by, and I have taught it to my son as well as my students: “You can do what is simple, what is quick, what is convenient, or what is right.” Whenever faced with a situation that calls your conviction into question, there is only one answer: Do what is right!
It doesn’t matter if it hurts, if you don’t get your way, or if you lose a friend – you must follow your conviction. Character has nothing to do with what others may think; it has to do with what you believe. Others may ridicule you, insult you, or even attempt to harm you because of your convictions. But living firmly grounded in your convictions, while honoring the dignity of others, is the beginning of a strong character. Our lives are distilled by the sum of our choices, and conviction/character means making the right choices even at the most difficult times.
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How to enjoy your journey through the holidays
December 18, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: All Levels
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Dear Dr. Fournier: As the holidays approach, I feel relief for the peaceful (without school) time I will have with my family, but also despair because of all of the entertaining, cooking, dirty dishes, decorating, buying, etc. I feel schizophrenic -- happy and sad at the same time. What am I teaching my children? |
The Assessment: Being a parent is the most difficult task a person can have. When I became a "Mama," I learned to love unconditionally, and that unconditional love can be joyous and painful at the same time. You want your child to be happy and never hurt. But in real life, that isn't possible. The danger is that when you obsessively try to make sure your child is never unhappy, you teach your child to be afraid instead of finding the joy of now and in the moment.
Marketers know only too well how much we love our children and families -- and they capitalize on it by convincing us that we must produce "A Holiday Wonderland."
We have been made to feel ashamed if we don't do everything to perfection -- without help, and with a smile on our faces.
What To Do: There is nothing wrong with the holidays. There is something wrong with us who are so worried about making them perfect that we miss the joy of the moment amidst all the preparation.
Cut your to-do list until it is truly doable. You're not required to be "Super Mom." It is so much better to have your child remember Happy Mom.
If making three pies is stressing you, make one. Or have your guests and family join in and cook together. If the house is dirty, it will be dirtier afterwards.
Don't stress about the perfect house, either. Clean up the visible mess, and if someone's offended, don't worry about it. They don't need to come back next year, or if they do, they could be the very person you call next time for help.
Holidays are supposed to be the time when families and friends come together to create the greatest gift of all -- memories of love through togetherness.
Get rid of the fear of the preparation for the holiday, and the pressure of trying to make it perfect. Instead, enjoy the journey, and teach your child the message of unconditional togetherness and love. There is never a better time to enjoy the journey.
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How to bring sanity to the world of final exams
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Dear Dr. Fournier: Final exams are always a battle at my home. My eighth grade daughter studies every night past midnight, and I worry that she doesn’t get enough rest. My sixth grade son says he can’t study because the teacher has not told him what is on the test. My ninth grade son doesn’t think his finals should disrupt his life and studies only when his social calendar allows time. How can I bring sanity back into my house? |
The Assessment: One of my yearly rituals is to write a column this time of year, answering questions from parents who want to know how to best help their children prepare for final exams. Unlike other holiday traditions, this is one ritual I would like to do away with – or at least move to the beginning of the semester. Parents could avoid these questions by working with their children from first day of school.
Because of procrastination, this last-minute madness continues as each semester winds down. Parenting is a full-time job, and as our children get older, it becomes harder for a parent to help each child. On top of that, we have obligations to our employers, elderly parents or disabled children (I could list a hundred more) that fill our daily routines. Add to all of that the shopping, parties and decorating that come with December, and it’s not surprising that I receive so many letters this time of year. I sympathize with the struggles parents endure, but we must make a decision regarding what is important in our children’s lives.
While your children manifest different symptoms, they actually face a similar issue – final exam preparation – and resolve it in their own unique ways. Your children may demonstrate excessiveness, passiveness or avoidance in their exam preparation, but the real problem begins with their perspective of learning. This is one of the most prevalent issues facing our educational institutions.
There is a major misconception held by teachers, parents and students alike, that the goal of school is simple memorization and regurgitation. An education like this doesn’t teach students to think creatively. A degree from this learning system isn’t worth the paper it is written on in today’s global workplace.
What To Do: Like most students, your children don’t understand the difference between “studying” and “learning.” Can you solve your dilemma this semester? No, but you can make a decision for next semester that will change the rest of their lives. The solution is so simple, but I can’t get parents to take me up on it. There should be one rule in your home that must be obeyed without exception – Studying is not allowed!
Here are the rules:
When your children come home from school each day, they are not to do their homework – they are to learn it. This radical change of perspective allows them to understand and “own” knowledge, as opposed to merely memorizing it.
Homework is not complete until students prove that they would be able to make a good grade on a surprise quiz the next day. They can do this by giving you a lecture (without notes) or writing a mock test to be taken two hours after they finish.
Every test, quiz or homework grade should be on the refrigerator, next to a list of what they missed. They will learn this material later in the week or on the weekend.
This is very simple, yet too many parents will not make their children understand that studying is for those that want to be passively schooled. Learning is the first step toward receiving an education – a requirement for someone who wants to have an independent, significant life and who wants to become a leader.
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How to help your child improve on standardized tests
December 04, 2007 12:00 PM Filed in: High
School
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Dear Dr. Fournier: My son is a
high school junior who is taking the ACT for the
first time next week. He sometimes has difficulty
on tests, but he compensates for this in other
ways. For instance, he never misses a homework
assignment because a very good homework average
keeps his grades in an A to B+ range – even if he
slips on a test. Because my son wants early
acceptance into his No. 1 college choice, he must
make at least a 34 on the ACT. Is there anything he
should do this week that could help him?
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The Assessment: My office receives more phone calls during the weeks before the ACT or SAT tests than any other time of the year. Students want to prepare for a college entrance exam as if they were taking a test in school, and unfortunately, many students are in the habit of cramming for those weekly or monthly exams. Cramming is always a poor learning technique, relegated only to times when absolutely necessary to memorize small pieces of information. This won’t work for the ACT for two reasons. First, the ACT is too comprehensive and covers too many different modules. Secondly, preparing for the ACT is very different from studying for a typical test which relies heavily on memorization. Instead, the ACT measures a student’s critical thinking and analytical skills, two things that cannot be developed in a week.
Even though I receive these calls, I can help only those students who have taken the test before or those to which I am able to give a mock test. Analysis of these results, result in areas in extreme need, moderate re-teaching and review. Only with this information may a plan that be designed for your child. For example, a student may need to raise his math score from a 23 to a 27, and he may have scored poorly on the geometry section yet a few extra points in algebra one could make a great difference. This is where we could focus for a few days. The rest of the math part just needs a review.
Yet if the student needs to improve overall, there is nothing that is realistically doable in a couple days. I could take the parent’s money and say, “I’ll do the best I can,” but it is impossible to cram years of knowledge and thinking skills into a one or two day session. Standardized tests assess if your basic skills are intact and if you can think critically and synthesize information. These tests are not about memory; they are about reasoning.
What To Do: Your son may take the ACT and get the results he desires on the first test. If he doesn’t make the scores he desires, remember that he is a junior and there is still time to take the test again. He may be focused on early acceptance, but explain to him that he should not be discouraged. After all, Abraham Lincoln lost many elections before becoming President of the United States.
If your son needs to retake this test, I would highly recommend a program that will help HIM prepare for the second test, in which the program’s focus and individual help are strategically designed for his success. Many parents are willing to pay anything for ACT/SAT preparation program, but be careful how you choose. Group courses are herd courses. Do you want your child to be part of the pack, or do you want him to stand out? Unless teachers or tutors are willing to demonstrate that they precisely know your child’ unique priorities then keep looking.
If parents are willing to pay the tuition of an exceptional university, then they shouldn’t train their children to deal with the admission process together with a herd. A solid foundation through a well-planned, advanced test preparation course could be the extra boost that your child needs.
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